There comes a time in every teenage girl's life where she thinks she is Les Claypool. Okay, maybe not every teenage girl's life, it may have been peculiar to me. But when I was in high school, I wanted very much to be like Les Claypool. You see, I had heard that Les Claypool could not function without his notebook. Therefore I decided that I needed a notebook. So Les Claypool is directly responsible for what follows. Because of Les Claypool, I had a carry around a notebook phase. (The first, and possibly the most horrifying, of many carry around a notebook phases.)
And, fortunately for me, in the same folder that held the Bon Jovi articles, I found a chunk of notebook paper ripped from my I Was A Teenaged Les Claypool notebook. I see that in 1991-1992, I was interested in the following things: Queen, T. Rex, and the Village People. (As opposed to 2002, where I am interested in, oh yeah, Queen, T. Rex, and the Village People.)
I would now like to share an excerpt from the Classic Files of DragonAttack. This is from December 1991, and here is the historical context. I was a raving nutty Soul Asylum fan. It was the best of all Soul Asylum eras, the Hang Time era. Actually, the current album was the fabulous and underrated And The Horse They Rode In On, but it still counts as the Hang Time era in my opinion. And The Horse They Rode In On and Hang Time were two of the records I had in heaviest rotation. And I loved Dave Pirner. A lot.
That's really all you need to know, except for this: for some reason, a friend and I had decided that Dave Pirner must own a big fluffy cat. We thought that would be hilarious. (Don't question the minds of teenaged girls. There are some scary thought processes going on that are better left unexplored.) Also, we decided that if Dave Pirner having a big fluffy cat was good, Dave Pirner having a big fluffy cat named Binkle was even better. You'll understand very soon.
On the day I am about to share, I was bored out of my mind in the high school library, and needed to entertain myself. (At the time, I still referred to "soda" as "pop." It hurts me very much to read it, but I wanted to leave the integrity of the entry, so "soda" remains as "pop." Ouch.) As near as I can tell, this was my first shot at merchandising, Rocksnobs style. It also may hold the title of first Rocksnobs article ever committed to paper.
12-13-91
The limited edition Dave Pirner doll comes with white "T-shirt," ragged jeans, nice jeans, and a tuxedo jacket.
If any joker purchases both the Dave Pirner doll and the Vanna White bride doll and plays "Dave and Vanna's wedding" the Dave doll will be confiscated. Same holds true for "Dave and Barbie's wedding." Also "Dave and Jem" truly outrageous.
The Wonderful World of Dave™
Action Playset: Comes with crummy Datsun that seats (barely) Dave™, plus Karl™, Dan™, and Grant™ (each sold separately.) Also features tapes, a can of pop, a tennis racket, and a guitar case.
Binkle™ Playset: Includes Dave's™ fuzzy pal Binkle™, a bag o' dat dry catfood, a can of "Friskies," a bed for Binkle™, and a cat brush that Dave™ can really hold!
Dave's Dream Cottage™: Terrific, cramped, three room dwelling comes with 8 pieces of furniture! Sofa, loveseat, TV, refrigerator, stove, bed, dresser, and wardrobe. (Dresser and wardrobe really hold Dave's™ clothes.) (Sold separately.)
Ranch Playset: Dave's vacation retreat comes with stable, corral, horse, and cowboy outfit.
Deluxe Ranch Playset: Everything in the Ranch Playset, plus horses and cowboy outfits for Karl, Dan, and Grant. (Each sold separately.)
Paris Fantasy Playset: Comes with Eiffel Tower and café.
Look for the whole line of Dave's fashions.
Collection 1: "Dave tries to get a real job." - 3 piece suit and tie, dress shoes, briefcase, rubber band for his hair, and brush.
Collection 2: Intimate apparel - several pairs of white briefs and a brush.
Collection 3: Stagewear - the only pair of jeans he will wear to play live, a T-shirt, sneakers, belt, and a brush.
Collection 4: "Dave goes casual" - sweatpants, boxer shorts, plaid shirt, button down shirt, and a brush.
Luau Playset: Everything Dave™ needs for the traditional Hawaiian shindig! Pig for roasting, cooler with pop, picnic table (seats 4), leis, Hawaiian shirts and shorts for Dave, Karl, Dan, and Grant, plus a brush.
Camping Fun Playset: Use it alone or with the Ranch Playset. Tent, 4 sleeping bags, mosquito netting, grill, hunting rifle, banjo, and a brush.
There you have it. I'm pretty sure that "a bag o' dat dry catfood" is a Bloom County reference. Look for other scary I Was A Teenaged Les Claypool notebook entries in the future. I happen to think this is the best one, but there are other gems, such as the commentary from when Joey Belladonna left Anthrax and my opinions of the first Ugly Kid Joe single. If anyone else has embarrassing teenaged rock and roll journals, feel free to submit.