The Pirate and I had a lovely Saturday. We spent 17 hours straight together, and I can't decide if we are horrible time wasters, or if it can be called a staff meeting, in which case we are workaholics. Either way, we learned that we love bocce ball, and that's what counts.
And then came Sunday. I got the first call at 5PM. "I am having the worst day!" The electricity had gone out on the Pirate Ship, so he was stuck in the one hundred degree heat with no phone, no air conditioning, not a single luxury. And on top of that, we had to go to the Geoff Tate show. We had been so looking forward to it until we heard the horrible solo album.
But not going wasn't an option. He's still Geoff Tate, after all. Plus we had heard a hot rumor that not only was he doing Queensrÿche songs, he was doing obscure Queensrÿche songs. And that's why we went. That and the fact that it was, after all, Geoff Tate. But we were braced for a bad time.
We arrived downtown and as we were looking for parking, we were listening to a little Danzig. Not just any Danzig, we were playing Mother. So the windows came down, the volume went all the way up, and we sang loudly, Beavis and Butthead style. Now we were pumped! The Geoff Tate dread vanished like Glenn Danzig's hair, and we were ready for rock and roll.
Now, in the weeks prior to hearing the album, we couldn't decide if we were going to lean against the bar and observe or lean against the barricade and swoon. Hearing the album made that decision easy. We stood in the back. And then Geoff Tate had to go and start the show with The Killing Words. A peculiar, more up tempo version of The Killing Words, but The Killing Words nonetheless.
Pirate: "I love how the crowd is not havin' it on the chorus."
Dragon: (At the top of my lungs.) "Write it down!"
Of course I had toted along my pocket notebook, just in case. We managed to fish out said notebook and write it down. Then Geoff Tate got all creepy. I think it is a well-established fact that I love creepy Geoff Tate.
Dragon: "Shall we go up front and swoon?"
Clutching the notebook and pen, we ran up front. Yes, we ran. For Geoff Tate. Even though his record sucks, he could still make us run, being Geoff Tate and all. We ended up firmly planted about 4 people away from the stage. And Geoff Tate sounded great. Much better than when I saw him with Queensrÿche in 2000, and much, much better than on Live Evolution. At one point he slayed us both with one note.
Pirate: "I think he just hit a note that I wasn't expecting."
We were delighted. And then...and then...as if we didn't have enough of a Rage For Order fix, he played Gonna Get Close To You! Do you hear me!? Gonna Get Close To You! The ultimate in creepy gross Geoff Tate! Classic Geoff Tate! And he was so creepy! It was fantastic! We were swooning!
And then a new song started. The Pirate identified it as a bad new song from the bad new album. So we were temporarily done swooning. It gave us a good chance to watch the guy in the baseball cap who was leaning against the stage. He was having a really good time and it was obvious that he had enjoyed a four day long marathon of Geoff Tate's new record. Better him than us.
Another bad new song from the bad new album! And Geoff Tate was playing air piano.
Dragon: "I wish that guitarist looked more like Meat Loaf."
Pirate: "He's only got a little way to go.
Then we heard the line who wants to live forever. Aaah! We looked at each other all crazed. It was that one song that Queen could do better! After Geoff Tate said the who wants to live forever line he added, "I do!" Well, Geoff Tate, you do that by making memorable albums. We noticed another guy having a really good time. He was wearing a Queensrÿche bandana that was covered with the Queensrÿche logo and had Mindcrime lettering. I'm laying odds that he bought it on the 1991 tour. This bad new song from the bad new album was much better live. All of a sudden, artificial Meat Loaf had an acoustic guitar and I had a Silent Lucidity crisis.
Dragon: "They better play I Will Remember."
I was not coping with the thought of having to sit through Silent Lucidity. Ohhh, it was a bad new song from the bad new album. Halfway through, the Pirate figured out that it was the song with the fake wandering minstrel guitar.
Pirate: "We probably should have figured that out when he sat down with the nylon string acoustic."
And somewhere in the middle of the song, there was a two-measure interlude that sounded suspiciously borrowed from Spreading The Disease. At this point, we were having a really good time. Everything was so much better than we had originally anticipated. During the post-minstrel song break, Geoff Tate went wandering to the back of the stage. When he came back, he was wearing a saxophone.
Pirate: "Oh my God, he's playing the saxophone."
The Pirate identified the song as Lady Jane from Promised Land. But then we had a long saxophone discussion that ended with the Pirate telling me what Homer once told Lisa. That we could always go down to the pound and get me another jazzman. And I lost it. And he lost it. We got the giggles, and they were ours for keeps for the rest of the show. I ran off and came back during the next song, which was another number from Promised Land.
Pirate: "Did you hear that creepiness?"
Dragon: "No, I was visiting."
Two Promised Land tracks in a row do not hold my attention. Then there was another bad new song from the bad new album.
Pirate: "This song really is a lot better live."
Dragon: "We can't even identify this song."
Pirate: "I know."
Bad new song from the bad new album. According to my show notes, we dissolved into Simpsons quote madness during this song. I couldn't tell you what was so hilarious, but we were much more entertaining than the show. Geoff Tate could stand to learn the magic of pacing.
Pirate: "This is the 'I should have had you over to talk about the things that matter to you' song."
I thought the Pirate was a comedy genius until I remembered that those were actual song lyrics. Hysteria ensued.
Pirate: "He's looking at us. He thinks we're falling in love to his song. Now even Geoff Tate knows we're in love."
(Everywhere we go, servers, record store employees, and acquaintances all treat us like we're a cute little domestic unit. They all seem to think that we're in love, which evolved into us declaring that we are not in love, but in luuuuuv, and no one thinks it's funny but us. Now add Geoff Tate to the list of people we confuse.) New song! Oh, no. Geoff is talking.
Geoff Tate: "This is a song about a train ride through life. It's called Passenger."
Oh, not just a new song, a bad new song from the bad new album! Oh, it's the song with the riff that sounds an awful lot like Sanitarium. Oh! That means it's also the song with the Bruce Hornsby piano. Geoff Tate started playing air piano again. That was twice in one evening. New song!
Dragon: "I don't think I know this song."
Pirate: "It's Real World from the Last Action Hero soundtrack."
The Pirate was thrilled he was singing along and striking rock star poses, and suddenly, we were having the best time ever! Again! And then, even more suddenly, Geoff Tate was playing maracas, and we were super excited. Maracas! We had so much childlike delight. Geoff Tate rocks so much harder than Davy Jones. New song! Wait...not until there is crowd banter. Geoff Tate made a reference to one of Newton's laws. Not an object at rest stays at rest, the one about equal and opposite reactions.
Dragon: "Is he wearing slacks?"
Pirate: "Oh yeah."
Oh joy. Another bad new song from the bad new album.
Pirate: "This is apparently the huge buildup to nothing song. If I remember correctly, I kinda liked it on the record too."
Me, not so much. A bad new song from the bad new album. Apparently. Neither of us know it, so it must have been one of the bad new songs that was really more bland than bad, because we had no idea what it was. But that's okay. It gave us time to reflect on the slide guitar that sounded oh-so-much like Free Bird, and the fact that Geoff Tate was making lots o' creepy Geoff Tate faces. Finally Geoff Tate's Free Bird ended, and some sort of musical interlude started.
Dragon: "He's snapping." (Pirate nods.) "With two hands."
Then Geoff Tate started saying stupid stuff.
Geoff Tate: "You've been a very sophisticated audience in Minneapolis this evening. Elegant and sophisticated and suave."
I don't know what crowd he was looking at, because I didn't see anything resembling elegant or sophisticated or suave in that room. And then Silent Lucidity started. And I screamed and ran. I ran faster than I ever have, ever. First to the restroom, and then to chat with LCG, all the while complaining about Silent Lucidity. In exchange, LCG said, "Use these," and gave me two passes for the meet and greet. He is so deluxe! He is De-Luxe.
I went barreling back to the Pirate to flaunt our treasure. We were giddy again! The giddiest yet! Geoff Tate could do no wrong now! We love Geoff Tate! We get to meet and greet Geoff Tate! We love Geoff Tate! And LCG! They're both so cool! New song.
Pirate: "I think this is a bad Queensrÿche song."
He then determined it was Some People Fly from Hear In The Now Frontier, an album I have never, ever heard, not even once, and with any luck, I never will.
Bad new song from the bad new album.
Pirate: "It's the radio single." (Pause.) "Geoff Tate forgot to make that song rock on the album."
Another bad new song from the bad new album, which gave us time to take note of other things we found troubling. The non Meat Loaf guitarist was wearing a really tight red shirt and we could see his tattoos. My tattoos are scarier than his, and mine are not scary at all. The bass player, well, it was clear to us that he used to be in a Cherry Poppin' Daddies type band. Before that, Top 40 wedding bands. He still has the outfit that would have been suitable for both.
The song ended and Geoff Tate started rambling. A lot. But he mentioned something about continuing the theme of the evening. We were not aware that the evening had a theme. I mean, our evening had a theme, but we did not know that Geoff Tate was trying to present one. And the Pirate thought it was a little late to start introducing one. All I know about this song was that it contained a really good Geoff Tate scream.
Then the group left the stage. Then they came back unusually soon, by encore time standards. Good, they came back to play another bad new song from the bad new album. The bass player was making rock faces, and it upset me.
A new song started and Geoff Tate was snapping some more. Oh, then he started talking. Again. This time it was about the various ways people snap in the various cool clubs in various parts of the world, such as Amsterdam, Los Angeles, and New York. Um...apparently it had turned into the Geoff Tate Comedy Hour when we weren't looking. And then he swore! First time all night! Naughty Geoff Tate!
The jaunty music the band was playing as snappy comedy background music turned into The Thin Line. It rocked! Fake Meat Loaf was rocking. It was much better than the recorded Queensrÿche version.
Pirate: "I'm kind of digging the smooth jazz version. It must have been the Cherry Poppin' Daddy's idea."
But then there was stupid stuff going on with the red shirt guy and the bass player. And then we noticed that the bass line was the same as Brian May's Tie Your Mother Down riff.
Then they left the stage and came back just as quickly for another encore.
Pirate: "I think there's an impending Queensrÿche song."
Ummm, we didn't know it, but then the Pirate did. It was a Queensrÿche b-side called Dirty Little Secret. And Geoff Tate went into his finest rambling session of the night. He spent a lot of time talking about the storage unit he rents. Seriously. I think the point he was trying to make was that people are too materialistic. But then he started talking about how he should just sell all his stuff.
The message we took from this was, Geoff Tate is having a garage sale! Let's go buy his old stuff! Geoff Tate's Garage Sale is even better than Geoff Tate's Tea Party! Geoff Tate then discussed getting rid of his house too. The Pirate and I decided we needed that as well. If we have Geoff Tate's house, we have room to store all of the stuff we bought at Geoff Tate's garage sale.
Finally, he was done with the rambling. Turns out the story about materialism was going somewhere. It was leading right up to Della Brown, possibly my least favorite song from Empire, and I loathe Empire. (The views expressed here about Empire are not necessarily the views of the Pirate.) And the song was made even longer by more rambling.
And then, the show was over. Geoff Tate was blowing kisses. Ew. So then we took our position at a table in the back, because that was where the meet and greet was to take place. And it gave us a chance to sum up our evening. We first of all decided to listen to Roads To Madness on the way home, and we would consider it to be a special in-car performance by Geoff Tate.
Next, the Pirate did need to point out that it was very non-cliché of Geoff Tate to not have one single member of Queensrÿche in his solo band. And then the Pirate asked me if I would like the final verdict on the evening. Of course I would like the final verdict! Let me get my pen!
Pirate: "Final Verdict on Geoff Tate. Relatively decent songwriting coupled with poor production results in a really shitty album and a pretty cool live show."
Dragon: "Shhh! Geoff Tate produced the record. It's his bad production."
Pirate: "I know."
Dragon: "Well, he could walk by at any moment."
Pirate: "And Geoff Tate is on a need to know basis."
And that sent us off into giggles. And we sat around and observed other people meeting and greeting and we were giggling about the need to know basis. And Geoff Tate avoided us. He kept his back turned to us at all times. And when he saw us coming, he left. Seriously. He went backstage. The rest of his band was still hanging around, but not Geoff Tate. Because we were the gigglers. It's not our fault he came out to the meet and greet in a Hawaiian shirt that made us giggle.
So, option two, go to the alley. We went outside, wandered around back, and there was Geoff Tate standing on the loading dock. Ahhh, let's get our little passes signed and go home. Geoff Tate kept us up way past our bed times, and we both have day jobs these days. So I wind up eye-to-foot with Geoff Tate. And I see that he is wearing sandals.
Dragon: (turning to Pirate) "Dear Lord, he's wearing sandals."
There was a little giggling. I turned around and Geoff Tate was walking inside. He hates us. He snubbed us not once, but twice. We couldn't even listen to Roads To Madness, special in-car performance version, on the way home. Because our teenaged hero hates us. Did he overhear the magical phrase poor production? Did he misunderstand the need to know basis? We were doing it to protect him. We didn't want him to know how crappy we think he is these days. We were just looking out for Geoff Tate. And in exchange for that, he snubbed us. Twice.