I had the best day ever at work recently. In my depressing little cubicle day job world, The Man is benevolent enough to allow radios. I have been there for two months and have yet to bring in a radio. My local radio stations suck. I have my choice of classic rock, 80s rock, adult contemporary, another classic rock station, top 40, or hard rock. And by hard rock this station means a playlist of Linkin Park/Alice In Chains/Korn/Soundgarden...repeat.
I would rather work in silence, thank you. Until one day I thought, wait a minute...I have speakers, I have a high-speed Internet connection, and VH1.com has a radio feed. I figured that listening to VH1 radio would probably be the equivalent of watching the VH1 countdown. So, the adult contemporary top forty. But I am all about supporting the VH1, so I was willing to take the bullet and listen to an occasional Nickelback song. (Blechh.) All for VH1.
What I found at VH1 radio was so much more. They have approximately fifty channels, each more magical than the last. I wound up selecting the rock station based on the VH1 Top 100 Hard Rock Artists countdown. And suddenly, it was Alice Cooper dance party in my cube. Could my day get any better? Yes! Because I heard some Slayer.
I had to call Aaaahj. "I'm at the office listening to Slayer!" He wanted to know two things. Why was I listening to Slayer, which is a valid question if I ever heard one. The other question was, "What song?" "Mandatory Suicide," said I. "Good tune." And over the course of my day, I heard not one, but two Hüsker Dü songs. What? I got something from Zen Arcade, and something from Flip Your Wig. Hello, hooray! And then I discovered the fast-forward and pause buttons. VH1, why do you pamper me? When Foreigner and Pat Benatar appear, I can make them go away with a click of the mouse. When The Trooper by Iron Maiden comes on and I have to go to the printer for a report, Maiden can wait until I get back! I am so excited!
But some days I just don't have all the time in the world to skip Sonic Youth songs. Then I move right on over to Soul City. Classic soul hits! I will take Sam and Dave and Booker T. and the MGs, thank you for offering! I am becoming more soulful and funky every day, all thanks to VH1. And the commercials! Did I mention the commercials? About once every half hour, there is a thirty second spot for VH1. And that's it. VH1 is trying to sell me VH1, and I want to let them!
I can only hope that someone at VH1 is watching my every move. I hope they are gathering every scrap of information they can find about me. Have they noticed that I tune in eight hours a day? When they ask if I am still listening, do they see how fast I click on yes? Can they take my information and create a VH1 radio station just for me? In fact, I hope a team of VH1 scientists is monitoring me. Do they need my help? Should I get a web cam so they can see my reactions? Do they need to monitor my heart rate and blood pressure? I want the VH1 scientists to mix the Hard Rock, Essential Rock, Soul City, and Gold stations and humor me personally all day long.
VH1 Scientist #1: "She's frowning. Give her some Hüsker Dü!"
VH1 Scientist #2: "No, put on Alice Cooper."
#1: "She wants to hear She Floated Away."
#2: "She wants to hear Muscle Of Love."
(A scuffle ensues and they smack each other with their clipboards for a while.)
#3: (looking up from the bank of monitors) "Gentlemen, what she needs is some Steve Cropper."
#1: "Not Dock of the Bay!"
#2: "She'll cry!"
#1: "Because Otis Redding..."
#2: "...never got to hear the final mix..."
#1: "...Steve Cropper finished it..."
#2: "...the weekend Otis died."
#3: "Yes, we've all heard her tell the story. She will also cry if she knows you referred to the song as Dock of the Bay instead of by the proper title of (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay. You know how she is. Just play Hold On, I'm Comin' and she'll be fine."
#1: "She's smiling again!"
#2: "Disaster averted."
#3: "For now."
I want that! I want three guys in lab coats making my work day rock and/or roll. As it stands right now, VH1 can see what songs I skip, what songs I crank. All they have to do is hire some staff to keep me entertained. Someday my data will be compiled and my ideal VH1 radio station will exist.
#1: "We have to take Bus Stop out of rotation."
#2: "Is she on the floor giggling again?"
#1: "Yes."
#3: "Gentlemen, mission accomplished."
I can hardly wait.