Would You Hire Me?

By DragonAttack

For one of my classes, I had to create a resume that could be posted online. I didn't care for that so much. After four months of unemployment earlier in the year, I was sick and tired of resumes. So of course I complained. "I already have a job. Can I just make a fun resume? The one that I would really like to send out?" My benevolent instructor said okay. And since it was already formatted for the web, it is now doing double duty! Please enjoy my dream resume. Hopefully someday I can send this out and get a shot at my dream interview, which still involves posing to Motörhead.

DragonAttack

www.rocksnobs.com

Objectives

Snobbish rock fan seeks position as vinyl buyer. Willing to look down on the musical tastes of all others while spouting obscure and sometimes arcane knowledge. Available to work nights if working nights means going to concerts. Would eventually like to head the vinyl department, and have an army of old blond guys who like Queen to be my assistants.

Employment

A CD/LP hybrid store (2000-2002)

Skills Acquired:

-I can identify at least twenty different mis-pressings of labels on Beatles LPs. I can also distinguish three different counterfeit versions of Introducing The Beatles on Vee-Jay records.
-I am capable of paying people one-third of what their albums are worth with a completely innocent expression. I will then mark up the very same albums to double their actual value.
-I possess the rare ability to feign interest when people tell me when and where they bought their first Utopia record.

A CD store (1999-2000)

Skills Acquired:

-I am able to determine, in under five seconds, whether a customer is going to buy the Ramones poster or the Dave Matthews Band poster.
-I can run a store alone for ten hours when part-timers do not show up for work.

Related Experience

There is even more record store experience in my past, but I didn't feel like listing it. References available upon request, but I will just give you the name of my crabby friend who was my supervisor at the CD store. All we ever did was sit around and talk about David Bowie and wrestling. And he'll just tell you to hire me, so you might as well save a step and just get right on it.