The very day after Monty put up his tribute to Open Up And Say...Ahh!, I got into a fight about Poison. LCG had finally purchased a copy of Poison's Greatest Hits, and I was not happy about it. He called me up at work with Every Rose Has Its Thorn blaring in the background. When I answered, he favored me with a verse before he said, "Guess what I bought!"
Oh, no.
He has been trying to buy a copy of Poison's Greatest Hits for months now, and I usually manage to point out what a terrible idea it is, because it isn't a very good collection. But it has all of the hits that he wants! And he finally bought a copy because he needed to gear up for the upcoming Poison concert.
Oh, no.
He called me at work at least three more times that afternoon to sing Every Rose Has Its Thorn. And once to sing Talk Dirty To Me. He was really excited and I was getting grouchy. I cannot tell you how much I disapprove of the Poison's Greatest Hits record. But sure enough, later that day, in the car, he was blaring Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Again.
Oh, no.
I snapped. Snapped I tell you! (You'll snap too the day you realize that your bestest buddy is a lunatic who loves a Poison ballad way too much.) Anyway, I don't think it is a very good collection. First of all, it probably shouldn't be called the Greatest Hits. It could be called Greatest Hits and Other Favorites, or The Singles, or Some Stuff That You Seem To Like, but no, they had to call it a Greatest Hits. Look What The Cat Dragged In was never even a single! (Liner notes by Bret Michaels state that it is on there because it was used to open the show. Okay. But the liner notes also say that Ride The Wind is a tribute to motorcycling. So damn what? NOT A HIT.)
And another thing, if Poison is going to have a Greatest Hits, I think the track listing should go in chronological order. There really is a definite evolution of the band, and the collection seems really unrelated when you have singles from the records all mingling. The band got slick as time went on, so leave the overproduced stuff at the end and let me start off by digging on Talk Dirty To Me and Cry Tough! And why did they even include unreleased tracks, but not their version of Rock And Roll All Nite from the Less Than Zero soundtrack? Aaargh! I cannot tell you how much I hate this collection.
Me: "Can we please listen to something else?"
He: (crooning) "Just like ev-ry night...has its dawn.."
Me: "Could you please turn this crap off?"
He: "It's the best butt-rock ballad ever."
Me: (temper rising) "Why do you have to call it butt-rock?"
He: "Because that's what it is."
Me: (voice rising to match the temper) "No! It is not! You can call it 80s metal, you can call it hair metal, you can call it glam metal. No! You can't call it glam! Glam was the New York Dolls and T. Rex! You can only call Poison glam-influenced metal! But you DON'T HAVE TO CALL IT BUTT ROCK!"
He: "I didn't come up with the term."
Me: "But you perpetuate it!"
He: "What is your problem?"
Me: "I have been hollering about the butt rock thing since last year."
He: "Why are you getting so mad?"
Me: "BECAUSE YOU ARE MOCKING MY YOUTH!"
He: "I am not mocking your youth."
Me: "What do you call buying the greatest hits? If you are really truly wanting to get ready for the Poison show, you should have gotten Look What The Cat Dragged In and Open Up And Say...Ahh! That's all you need! Look at this collection! Ride The Wind is on here! That was never a hit! Where do they get off calling this a greatest hits collection!"
Sometimes two years makes a difference. LCG is two years younger than me, so usually that means there is no age gap at all. We grew up, for all intents and purposes, at the exact same time, so we remember all of the same things. But just because we both remember them does not mean that we experienced them in the same way.
Sometimes we fight about Mötley Crüe, because he really likes the Dr. Feelgood album, where I stand firm by Shout At The Devil. But he got into the Crüe during the Dr. Feelgood era. I got into Mötley Crüe during the Girls, Girls, Girls era, but that album, not so good. I went back in the catalog to find the Mötley that I liked.
And Paul Westerberg. To me he is the singer of The Replacements. To him, Paul Westerberg is the old guy on the Singles soundtrack. (This is the very instance that gave us our beloved two years makes a difference catch phrase.) I think that is the problem with the Poison situation. He is totally mocking my youth. He claims he is celebrating my youth. If he was celebrating my youth, he would have gotten Look What The Cat Dragged In and Open Up And Say...Ahh!. Seriously.
I admit, in the past year I have seen my fair share of bands that I loved as a teen. Faster Pussycat, L.A. Guns, Cinderella, Vince Neil, Skid Row. And I got the joke. I understood the camp value of the situation. But Poison is something different. Right after I had fully embraced Bon Jovi, Poison came along and bumped Bon Jovi out of my number one spot forever. Poison was it. My number one band for years. I told the LCG, I told him, that he cannot make fun of Poison. They are my blind spot. "Do you understand," said I, "that at the time, I took them seriously? I took them as seriously as I take Queen now. Which is kind of sad, but I was thirteen!" I don't think he understands. And that's, okay. I don't think he grasps why I was just about in tears because he was mocking my youth by purchasing a Greatest Hits album. It's because I just don't get the joke.
Follow along with the Poison timeline.
After the sad experience of that record, I floated around in my Queensrÿche daze for a year, then I discovered Queen. Poison released a live album and I didn't care. Then C.C. left the band and I was sad, but I didn't care. Then Poison got a new guy. I didn't care. But even though I technically stopped caring, I still care very much. What I'm trying to tell you is, I may not care, but don't you dare call them butt rock.