Due to the huge amount of clutter in my car, last week I only had access to one cassette. I have approximately six thousand tapes in my car, but I couldn't get to any of them. My tapes are stored neatly behind the passenger seat on the floor. And by neatly I mean that there are dozens of cassettes without cases forming a giant mound, but at least they are in a central location. It's a step up from when I kept them in the trunk in a shoebox. Sure, the shoebox part was a pretty good idea, but they weren't so accessible while I was driving.
Anyway, for the past couple of weeks, all of my textbooks have been heaped on top of old Mount Maxell, so I couldn't reach any of them and was stuck with just the one. And hooray for me, it was Piece Of Mind by Iron Maiden.
Don't get me wrong, Piece Of Mind is a great album. But all of the watchers, wise men, eyes of the Nile, secrets of the hangman, quests for fire, melting wings, and various kingdoms are a bit much at 7:30 in the morning. Sometimes I came close to hollering, "Put down the mythology books for ten minutes and write a song about chicks!" But I would never say that! That would defeat the purpose of Iron Maiden.
But as I was thinking about my cassette situation, I remembered something that I do not enjoy. For years now, people have found out that my preference is for vinyl, and then have asked me a really stupid question. "So what do you have in your car, a turntable?" Oh, very amusing. Tee. Hee.
Here are seven items that those people should keep in mind.
1. No one should ever, under any circumstances, use that sneering tone of voice when they say the word turntable in my immediate vicinity.
2. Roads are bouncy. That would cause records to skip. The huge amounts of Styrofoam shaped like egg cartons and the other hardware-type items necessary for keeping a turntable stable does not make it practical. Plus it would probably have to be in the trunk, making the flipping of records difficult. Then there is the fact that no matter how solid the turntable is, it would still get all out of alignment from the bouncing. And don't forget that records melt in the heat. The trunk would have to be temperature controlled.
3. Yeah, I've thought about it. It never occurred to me at all, not even as a joke, but then in 1992, the first idiot made that comment. And ever since, I have been thinking about how it is a feat that is way too difficult to accomplish.
4. I've heard it before.
5. It's not funny.
6. It never has been.
7. It never will be.
I did spend a blissful year with an 8-track player in my car. Nothing beats driving around with two music choices. I could either enjoy Muscle Of Love by Alice Cooper or With Love, Bobby by Bobby Sherman. I had other 8-tracks, but those are the two I toted along most of the time. Man, those are good records. I sure do like my 8-track collection.
Which reminds me, sometimes people find out that I like vinyl, and they say this, often in the sneering tone they reserve for the word turntable. "So, do you have an 8-track player too?" I have two of them. One is a portable radio from K-Mart that I snagged at an antique store for less than ten dollars. But can you really put a price on a brown and tan radio with giant orange buttons? No, you can't. It even runs on batteries, so I could take it to the beach if I wanted to. Which I don't, because that would mean going to the beach. I also have a receiver that has faux wood grain and great radio reception. (And it's a radio with a proper spinning dial, no digital presets for me.) And that also has an 8-track player.
I admit, 8-tracks are not really the height of sound quality, but do I care? No! They are fun. And since they are the most rejected of all musical formats, it is possible for me to purchase Dream Police by Cheap Trick for only fifty cents. I actually have two Dream Police 8-tracks. I had my first copy autographed by Robin Zander...mmm, Robin Zander, so obviously I didn't want to play it. The Sharpie might wear off if I handle it too much! So I had to buy a replacement. I don't actually listen to it, because I have it on LP, but, you know, Cheap Trick. I like having albums on multiple formats sometimes. And by multiple formats I mean LP and 8-track.
Go right ahead. Ask the next obvious question. Okay, maybe it's not that obvious. No one has ever asked this of me, but I'm sure it's going to happen eventually. Someday I will hear, "So, do you have a reel-to-reel?" As a matter of fact, I don't. Not yet anyway. But I know a place where I can buy reel-to-reel music if it ever comes up.