There is so much evil in this world, and for that I blame Lesley Gore. Well, the songs of Lesley Gore. Technically I should blame the songwriters of Lesley Gore, but, you know, hate the message and the messenger. Anyway, today we are going to talk about Lesley Gore's first single, It's My Party. If you are not familiar with the story told in It's My Party, let me fill you in.
You see, Lesley is having a party, and since it is her party, she is of the opinion that she can cry if she wants to. Why does she want to cry? Is she out of hors d'oeuvres? Running low on beer? No. She is sad because two of her party guests, Judy and Johnny, have left suddenly. Johnny is her boyfriend and his whereabouts are unknown. Coincidentally, Judy left at exactly the same time. Very suspicious indeed. Lesley Gore is just trying to have herself a birthday party, and they had to go and ruin it. Because instead of just, say, getting over it, she chooses to cry. Then the AWOL pair returns, and Judy has on Johnny's ring.
So Lesley Gore fixes to cry some more. Lesley! This is not the way to handle this situation. Lesley Gore taught a whole generation of teenaged girls that you deal with jackasses such as Johnny by crying. What? There are certainly more interesting alternative measures that Lesley could have taken. Let's discuss what would happen if I were in Lesley Gore's shoes. Okay, I wouldn't wear her shoes, because they were probably dyed to match her outfit, but let's say I was throwing a party.
First of all, you will never, ever hear me say, "Play all my records," nor will I advise anyone to "keep dancing all night." Don't be touching my records! You may look at my records, but I will be the one playing them. And my friends are not going to dance, much less all night. In fact, I would be surprised if any of my friends were standing up for any other reason than to get more beer.
But I digress. I think Lesley Gore's first mistake was letting them back into the party. Why would you do that? You wouldn't! There is no re-entry if you are going to be acting like that. If I answered the door and Judy and Johnny were standing there, you can bet that I would step outside onto my stoop and unleash some sass. Loudly. Then I would go back inside and my friends and I would discuss how cool that was, and then nitpick every fault of Judy and Johnny until the wee hours.
Well, maybe someone else answered the door at Lesley Gore's house. That could have happened. What if Joejung answered my door, didn't know the story, and let Judy and Johnny right in? Somewhat plausible, but of course Joejung would know the story. But maybe he would be too full of rum to remember, and let them in. That could happen.
So, Judy and Johnny may be let into the house, but would they get past CEB and the Metal Cowboy? Oh, I don't think so. Both of those guys stand over six feet, and they aren't going to let just anyone in. If they were feeling especially mean, they might let Judy and Johnny in, just to see what would happen when LCG got hold of them.
Believe me, Judy and Johnny do not want to be in the house when LCG comes strolling out of the kitchen holding his blender container full of vodka smoothies. That would be time to turn and leave, but, oh dear, CEB and the Metal Cowboy are between them and the door. Tough, tough times for the errant friends who thought they could be readmitted to my home. LCG would go on a Don Rickles style rampage of insults, and I would just play Bob Newhart, leaning against the wall and periodically nodding in agreement. He would crush their spirits, they would leave arguing, and then my friends and I would sit around and talk about how cool that was.
But with either scenario I win, whether I dispense my own sass or let LCG take care of it for me. I just wish Lesley Gore had known that there were other options for dealing with her situation. But, my way doesn't really rhyme as well. And it's a cinch that there would be no follow-up hit in the form of Judy's Turn To Cry if things followed my plan. Once we/he/I had completed the verbal assault, there ain't no way that Johnny is coming back to me. Which, in spite of what you may have learned from Lesley Gore, is how it should be.