I used to have a lovely time at the record store, ruling the vinyl section with an iron fist. Not that you would have been able to tell by looking at me. My vinyl persona was that of a humorless dictator. I had more glower power than Mr. Burns as I hunched over the LP price guides trying to figure out what a previously unseen piece of vinyl was worth, and, more importantly, how much I could charge for it.
You could pull me out of my mildewed vinyl stupor only if you had a question about records. (Okay. You got me. I wouldn't buy mildew-smelling collections.) Anyway, you could pull me out of my 70s rock induced stupor only if you wanted to talk about records.
Did I really want to talk to the customers? Well, no. There were exceptions, of course. The guy with the pompadour who liked 45s? I had all the time in the world for him. But the records are big CDs people? No. The Utopia people? No.
What about the people who sold their records fifteen years ago and suddenly missed them? Maybe. Were they interested in recollecting, or were they interested in re-collecting? I got no time to stand around and miss your records with you, sir, unless you miss them so much that you need to replace them. I can help you with that.
But sometimes, a customer would trick me into helping them. All of the store's vinyl questions were always sent to me, and I would get all happy. (If they met the "I am willing to talk to this customer" criteria.) Very often the customers were okay, but sometimes I got fooled. Sometimes I would be helping a customer and their true sinister motives would emerge.
Customer: "Do you have any Monkees records?"
Me: "I sure do! What do you need?"
Beaming, I would haul the nice middle aged lady to the M section and chirp on about my favorite Monkees album, More Of The Monkees, and discuss Colgems pressings vs. Rhino pressings. (I know I have claimed that I do not care about pressings. It's true! But when it comes to the Monkees, Colgems vs. Rhino makes a difference. Rhino reissues are usually cheaper and in better shape.) So, you know, I was concerned about the Monkees needs of my customer.
Customer: "Oh, they're for my ten year old daughter."
How happy did that make me? So happy! This customer was passing the love of vinyl on to the youth of today! Lady, I am behind you 100%.
Me: "Really?"
Customer: "She wants to decorate her bedroom with a sixties theme. We're going to put the album covers in frames and hang them on her wall."
Oh, how completely crestfallen did that make me? My smile would fade and my shoulders would droop. I could just muster the one word.
Me: "Oh." (Long pause.) "So, you'll probably want to go with the three dollar copy."
Then the customer would leave, and I would grab my boss and go on a rampage. I would recount the entire conversation, and he wouldn't care! He would accuse me of overreacting!
Boss: "Dragon," he would say patiently, "at least people are buying records. It boosts your numbers."
"But records are for listening!" I would wail before storming off to alphabetize the vinyls. Or I would go storming outside to have a cigarette and glower.
Decorations, my ass. Records are for listening.
Or how about this classic scenario?
Customer: "Do you have 45s?"
Me: "Do I ever!"
Customer: "I need about seventy."
Me: "Did you just buy a jukebox?"
Customer: "I need them to decorate tables at a wedding reception."
(Long pause.)
Me: "Oh."
The only thing I hate more than people who decorate with vinyl record products are people who decorate for wedding receptions. Obviously I had to ditch that customer. Quickly.
Me: "Here they are! Let me know if you need help with anything else!"
Then I would walk off seething. If you want shiny black vinyl as part of your home décor, buy an uncomfortable couch. Records are for listening.
To top off the evils of the general public, every now and then my boss would try to antagonize me.
Boss: "Dragon, do you think we should sell album frames?"
Me: "NO."
Boss: "I think we could sell a lot of them."
Me: "But then we would be endorsing the framing of albums! I won't be a part of that."
Boss: "I don't know why it bothers you so much. It would boost your numbers."
Me: "If I have to up my sales by encouraging people to do that, then I don't want to up my sales. That is taking records away from people who might actually listen to them and enjoy them."
Boss: "Why is this such a big deal to you?"
Why? I think I had just told him why. I told him why on more than one occasion. Buying records for non-music purposes prevents other people from buying them and playing them. And don't try to tell me that it's okay to decorate with, say, Thriller. I don't care if it sold 28 billion copies on vinyl, and now 27.5 billion of them are floating around the used record stores of this world. I don't care at all! Because every person who buys it to use as home décor is taking it away from someone who really wants to listen to it. And records are for listening.