I had no idea that there are so many ugly people in the Twin Cities. Or maybe I was just in a situation that skewed the scale. You see, last Thursday night, I ended up at the Guns N' Roses concert. I didn't know that so many unattractive people could fit in an arena, and I've been to WWE events.
I hadn't planned on going to a Guns N' Roses show, under any circumstances, ever, but sometimes I find myself in odd situations. For weeks leading up to the show, LCG had asked me periodically, "Are you going to Guns N' Roses?" I always said no, which he would follow up with, "Good. I don't want you to get caught in a riot." Because studies have shown that you never know when a Guns N' Roses show will turn into a riot. The Flickerstick show was that same night though, and I thought that maybe I should go see them again. Since Flickerstick was playing just two blocks away from Guns N' Roses, I still had a shot at getting stuck in a riot situation.
Thursday afternoon, Aaaahj's crazy roommate called me and asked me if I wanted to go to Guns N' Roses. Apparently he had a couple of cancellations and had extra tickets. I had to pass, because I had no urge, and I had school until 9:20. My plan for Thursday was as follows: Go to work, go to school, go to Flickerstick, go home, finish The Smiths article, go to bed by midnight.
Lucky me, school got out early, so I went down to the Flickerstick venue, and saw that delightful LCG. The ticket sales for Guns N' Roses had been, well, not so hot, so there were free tickets floating about the town. And when I saw LCG, he happened to have one. He brandished it at me and said, "Last chance to enter the belly of the beast."
Me: "Ooh. Um. Noooo...."
LCG: "They're supposed to go on at 9:30."
Me: "Ummmmm. Okay."
You see, the Flickerstick set time was 10:00. I thought I could walk the two blocks, catch a little Guns N' Roses, then come back and see the show I really wanted to see. I was thinking, riot shmiot, I cannot say no to a free ticket to a bad time.
Since Guns N' Roses was supposed to go on at 9:30, I felt comfortable heading over to the arena at 9:50. When I got there, I heard no rock and roll show, so I was able to stroll to my section. As I was wandering through the concourse, I noticed that everyone was drunk. Everyone! And the average age of the crowd seemed to be over forty. What? I didn't understand. I expected the age range to be, say, twenty-eight to thirty-eight. People who got hooked in at Appetite For Destruction. But I was wrong. The crowd was all guys over forty with moustaches. And me.
Heading for my section, I started thinking, "Maybe I will enjoy a beer." It seemed like the thing to do. $5.25 for an arena beer? No, I don't need a coping mechanism that badly. Plus I only had $5 on me. Wait! Look! I can get a Mike's Hard Lemonade for $4.50! Whew! Hello candy-flavored coping!
So I got down to my seat. Ho-ly crap! Had it been 1987 I would have been giddy. I was sitting to the left of the stage (If you were facing the stage, I would be on the left) in row F. And there were those little stupid ramps on both sides of the stage so Axl could run about, and I was fifteen feet away from the railing around the ramp. Yikes! That is a little too close to Axl for my comfort, but I thought I would persevere. Also, I could peek down and see all of the tired looking roadies and stagehands. How horrible is it to never know when you will be working because Axl can't get his self anywhere on time? Oh, they looked so tired and haggard. Poor dears.
At 10:00 I placed my first phone call to LCG and left a message. "The crowd is getting disgruntled, they are testing the fog machines, my seat rules, and if a riot starts I am in good shape." Then I had a look at the crowd. Two good-looking boys in the entire arena? Two? One was one of those Joe Perry looking guys, who is all handsome when he is brooding, but looks all disjointed when he smiles. So, that left me with one good-looking boy in the arena. And it was CEB! That doesn't count! I know him! "Metal Cowboy was there too," said LCG, "did you see Metal Cowboy?" Well obviously not, or I would have been able to state with good authority that there were two good-looking boys in the arena. I had always suspected that between being friends with LCG, CEB, the Metal Cowboy and Metal Hipster plus Fake Robin Zander that I had a monopoly on all of the cute metal boys in town. The Guns N' Roses show proved me right. Ugly, ugly people.
This is all I had to ponder for half an hour, because Guns N' Roses did not deign to go on until 10:36. I had sent LCG a text message at 10:05 that I didn't have all friggin' night, as I had a Flickerstick show to attend. At 10:15 I sent the word out that I would stay until 10:30 and that was it. But I couldn't quite leave. I had to see at least the opening horror! And with no warning at all, I saw the roadies mobilize. The lights went down, and the roadies went and yanked down the curtain. Then I saw Buckethead behind the drum riser, looking all buckety.
I briefly found myself hoping that they would start with Welcome To The Jungle. It was a reverse Poison situation. I wanted them to fire some hits at me before I left, because I just couldn't see staying for the whole thing. And then the note started. You know the note! The opening, delayed note of Welcome To The Jungle. Yes! Yeeaaaahhh!! I can leave after this song! Yes!
The stage lights came on, and I was confronted with Guns N' Roses. But, you know, it's not Guns N' Roses. It's Axl's sidemen. But there's Tommy Stinson! I had forgotten that Tommy was in Guns N' Roses these days! Bonus treat for me as I watched Tommy hop about in his plaid suit. And then out came Axl. He was dressed just like my Italian friend who is super into being Italian. Axl was wearing wind pants, a Vikings jersey, and big white sneakers. And he still has those terrible, terrible braids that he was sporting at the MTV video awards.
So I did the only thing I could do. I pulled my pen out of my pocket, shoved my jacket sleeve up to my elbow, and started taking notes. The items in bold italics are my show notes.
Welcome To The Jungle
Well, I just don't know about this. Why are there three guitarists? Is it necessary? And, um, what about that bongo player? Why is there a bongo player? The back line was the drummer wedged between the bongo player and the keyboard player, who had his keyboard on one of those obnoxious bendy stands, so he can attempt to flamboyantly rock. As far as the stringed fellas, I was on the Buckethead side. The Robin Fink (all black outfits, half his head shaved, stripey socks, used to be in Nine Inch Nails) side was the other side. Tommy and the third guitarist sort of linger at the back of the stage in the center. Axl sounded much better than I expected. He totally sounded like crap on the MTV, but maybe he has been drinking his tea, because he sounded okay. Not 1988 okay, but much better than he has in recent times.
It's So Easy
What? Last time I checked, this was the second song on Appetite For Destruction, right after Welcome To The Jungle. Why are they teasing me? Why are they trying to make me think that they are going to play Appetite For Destruction in its entirety? Because honestly, I can't think of another reason to play It's So Easy. It's not that good. I mean, all of Appetite For Destruction is good, but I don't think It's So Easy is one of the strongest numbers. Therefore, they must be going to play the album, and I'm gonna miss Flickerstick!
Teleprompter
Hee-hee! Axl has a teleprompter on the opposite ramp! That means there must be one over here near me too. Is he freaking Ozzy Osbourne? Ozzy has a teleprompter, and that's okay. He's old and has a large body of work to keep track of. Ozzy can do whatever he wants if it helps him put on a good show. Axl, well, is he even forty yet? Is he forty soon? This year? I just looked it up, and apparently he turned forty in February. Forty isn't so old! I bet he wouldn't need a teleprompter if he actually, say, had toured in the past ten years! Practice doesn't so much make perfect in this case, but it would make him aware of his lyrics. He could have been touring instead of sitting in the studio like a bunghole for a decade, making a record that still isn't out.
Mr. Brownstone
Dear Axl,
Thank you for the mime portion during the line, "stuck it in the needle and I shot it in the needle and it, it drove me out of my mind." Because in the past fifteen years, we Guns N' Roses listeners hadn't figured out that the song was about your little heroin problem. Miming shooting up during the "shot it in the needle," line really gave me some clarity. And the using the international Warner Brothers cartoon gesture for crazy (circling ear with index finger) when you said, "drove me out of my mind," really added a lot to my experience. Thank you.
Lots of love, Dragon.
P.S. The "yow-sa!" at the end of the song sounded forced.
Axl Dance Simon Says
Well, finally during Mr. Brownstone, Axl made his way over to the extended portion of the stage, and I got the horror of being fifteen feet away from Axl Rose. His skin appears to be made of some sort of space age wax. Anyway, he came over to the railing, everyone around me freaked out, and he started doing the Axl dance. You know, the Axl dance. The one he stole from Davy Jones. And all around me, everyone started doing the Axl dance. It was a very uncool game of Simon Says, with me in the middle, a surly non-participant, hoping that Axl did not spy the surly non-participant, because I didn't want him to have one of his silly Axl fits and stop the show early.
On the other hand...that would have made me indirectly responsible for a Guns N' Roses riot. Okay, that would have made me directly responsible. And that idea made me just too giddy. I briefly wondered if I should give Axl the finger to be sure he had a silly fit. But I didn't. Even though I frequently embrace bad ideas, such as attending a Guns N' Roses show, I know when to draw the line.
Live And Let Die
What is up with this set list? Did Axl realize that everyone wants to hear the hits? And why was he smiling? I saw him telling secrets with Tommy Stinson and they were both giggling. And Axl's happy face was sincere! I was shocked. It was just kind of surprising to see him legitimately having a good time, after all his years of being a certified asshole. Anyway, I was enjoying the mellow intro to Live And Let Die, and then it happened.
Flash Pots
The big rock portion of the song ("...makes you give in and cry...say live and let die..." Huge Rock Chord!) The pyro went off with the huge rock chord and scared the living crap out of me. Because the flash pots were on the extended stage ramps, just a few feet back from where the band members would stand. Consequently, I was about twenty feet from the pyro, and man, did I jump. They were loud and the flames were somewhere between ten and twenty feet high. I can't estimate any better than that. I was busy noticing that I could see the waves of heat rippling in the air and that my skin was starting to get very toasty.
I recovered and continued enjoying Live And Let Die, and then the pyro went off again, and scared me half to death again. It didn't so much occur to me that the pyro was not a one time deal. I think, all told, there were between eight and ten pyro spots on the stage. I don't know. It was loud and scary and hot and I was thinking, "I'm old. I'm really old." Then I remembered that I was also twenty feet away from huge amounts of explosives, and felt a little better about myself.
Think About You
Ah yes, all the time my heart says yes. This song made me sad, because it made me think about Izzy. As we all remember, I cried the day Izzy left Guns N' Roses. As we also all remember, I read an interview with Izzy in 1988 where he said that when he joined the band, he pretty much had Think About You completely written. So even though the liner notes credit the entire band, I know in my heart that it is Izzy's tune, and Axl has no business playing it. Then I thought about how I wasn't excited about the show, and how much more thrilled I would have been seeing Izzy. It was just like how I liked Samantha 7 way better than Poison. ("Dude," said LCG, "you had a better time at Slash's Snakepit last year than you did at Guns N' Roses.") That's true.
Axl Talk
Oh dear, Axl started talking. He mentioned that it was twenty-three degrees (Fahrenheit) and that we all had balls of molten steel. Then he said some stuff about rocking or something. I don't know. I was looking at his skin some more.
Knockin' On Heaven's Door
Oh, I have never been so bored and antsy. I kept thinking, "I should leave now," but I kept wondering when the hits were going to stop. And don't think I didn't notice that two out of the first six songs were covers. I don't care if Guns N' Roses tried to make them their own, they were still covers.
You Could Be Mine
Now this song also made me sad, because it was the last video that Izzy was in before he left the band. And I was still antsy. I was waiting for a song I didn't know so I could go to Flickerstick. Bored and fidgety.
Robin Fink Solo
So, the band vanishes, a voice announces Robin Fink, and he goes center stage to take a guitar solo. Because I think we all know, nothing kills the momentum of a rock show like a guitar solo. Especially a guitar solo by a sideman, a hired gun, that no one cares about. People started sitting down.
While My Guitar Gently Weeps?
The solo sounded like a mishmash of While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Greensleeves, and Dee. It sounded like all three, yet like none of them at all. And just when every last fan was looking bored in their seat; he kicked in with the riff.
Sweet Child O' Mine
Maybe they do know about pacing after all. I thought I should leave. Did I really want to sit through Sweet Child O' Mine? No. But flashbacks to hearing it on the school bus on an eighth grade field trip compelled me to stay. Even though that I should have learned by now that every time I try to pacify my teenaged self, my teenaged self and I have a bad time. (Say this like Shatner) But...I...had...to...try. I noticed that the bongo/keyboard player and the keyboard player were filling in lots of Axl's vocal parts. During the never ending, "where do we go now?" part of the song, they really helped carry him. Sooo bored.
Out Ta Get Me
Oh, I am so out of here. Like Axl leaving the bank of televisions in the Welcome To The Jungle video, I also wandered out of the spectacle, shaking my head. Even though it was more Appetite For Destruction goodness, I couldn't take it anymore. It was 11:15 and I headed back over to the Flickerstick show.
The Flickerstick show was over.
I saw LCG, recapped the Guns N' Roses show, and we got another refreshing Mike's Hard Lemonade, as I needed some bonus coping. I had missed Flickerstick for Guns N' Roses. And I had to gossip about Guns N' Roses with LCG for, like, an hour, so by the time I got home, there was no time to update the site. Freaking Axl Rose disrupting my Flickerstick/Smiths lifestyle. Then I had to wear a long sleeved shirt to work the next day, since my lame co-workers are not hip to things like Guns N' Roses set lists scrawled on arms.
Apparently Guns N' Roses played until 12:30, but I haven't had a chance to get a report on the rest of the show yet. I would have to assume that it was more hits, more solos, and maybe some new songs. I don't know. This show didn't let me down exactly, because the pair of Use Your Illusions soured me on Guns N' Roses in 1993. I had zero expectations, except for the potential for a riot, and they didn't impress me at all. I mean, they sounded okay, it was just nothing special. But at least I didn't have to sit through Paradise City.