Last week I was in the middle of procrastinating, and was looking for any available diversion that would keep me from working on my final projects. Against my better judgement, I decided to go to the Kelly Osbourne concert. It was a bad idea for two reasons. First, I don't like her song Shut Up at all. I don't think it's very good. Second, I knew I would go to the concert, not like it, write a scathing review, and eventually Sharon Osbourne would find it and hate me.
I don't want Sharon Osbourne to hate me! I think she's fabulous. But if she were in the midst of doing an online search for her daughter, and came across my bad review, she would scoff and sass and not like me. Oh, no. I don't want that to happen. But I needed to weasel out of reading a really stupid Marketing textbook, so I took the chance. And lucky for me, I had a good time.
I arrived right as Kelly Osbourne was taking the stage, and she was working the crowd before the first song. That gave me a chance to look around. The radio station banners were all from the local Top 40 station, which surprised me. I guess I didn't ever think about where she would be getting her airplay. I just assumed it was the rock station that I never listen to, but it is the Top 40 station I never listen to, which explains why there were so many little kids there. I mean, it was an all ages show, but that usually means the youngest kid there is thirteen or fourteen. I saw a handful of kids there who couldn't have been older than ten. They don't have much nightclub experience, so they were wandering around all willy nilly, meaning I had to keep an eye out to make sure that none of them walked straight into my lit cigarette. That isn't a treasured concert memory in the making!
Anyway, Kelly kicked off the show with Shut Up, which led me to believe that her encore would be Papa Don't Preach. Shut Up, as I mentioned, is not a song that I enjoy, but it was much better live. I think the recording is a little sterile, but it was a fun rock song in person. The next song, I didn't know. And that's okay. The band was really tight, and Kelly Osbourne is just adorable. You know how Ozzy was so cute when he was young? Kelly looks like a young, miniature, female Ozzy.
Her hair is currently blonde, and she had it wetted down and the result was kind of Ozzy-ish. She was also wearing heaps of Ozzy-style eyeliner, and she has stolen a couple of his moves. When she leaves her microphone on the stand, she drapes both wrists over the microphone, just like her daddy. And when she holds it, she holds it Ozzy-style too. And the grin! She has Ozzy's cute little grin! The stage style and the grin both seem to be occurring naturally too, and not as a conscious effort to copy Ozzy. It was downright endearing.
Before the next song, she asked the crowd if they had sunglasses, and told us to put them on if we did. I thought, "Wherever this is going, at least she isn't going to do a cover of Sunglasses At Night." Then Sunglasses At Night started.
I was a little traumatized by the Corey Hart cover, but I recovered quickly, because Kelly Osbourne was just so delightful. She was even doing that one 80s dance. The one I like to call The Belinda Carlisle Dance. She did a couple more songs, none of which I knew because I don't have her album, and then she settled in for some more crowd banter. And not just any crowd banter. It was possibly the greatest crowd banter that I have ever seen.
She said, "You know what's funny? When some asshole pays to see my show and then flips me off." I was thinking, "Huh? Did I miss something?" I was also wondering if I heard her right. The "flips me off" part of the statement was a little mumbly, but it all became clear once I heard the context clues that followed. She started pointing into the crowd saying, "You! In the hat! Get up here!"
Kelly hauled some guy up on stage, announced that he had been flipping her off the whole show, and said to him, "Go ahead, tell them all how much I suck." He tried to claim that he just flips everyone off, no big deal. After giving him another scolding, she had him tossed out. Yes! Showmanship! One of her crew came out, grabbed the guy's arm, and handed him off to a security guy working the barricade, who ejected him from the club. Yes!
I happened to be right along the path to the exit and my eyes were almost welling up with tears I was so delighted. The guy was getting bounced by the artist. Oh, what a wonderful moment. A minute later, I saw two guys who kind of looked like the finger-giver run past, trying to catch up with the ejected member of the crowd. He must have been their ride or something.
But then I started wondering, was it for real, or was the guy a plant to spice up the show? Was he just a roadie who gets stuck in the crowd every night and gets tossed to make it exciting? That family understands entertainment value, so I had to wonder. I went and asked someone who would know. "Dude," said I, "was that guy a plant?" "What?" "Or did she really have someone thrown out?" "Oh, he bought a ticket," I was informed. Bliss! Glee! Kelly Osbourne looks like Ozzy (that night, anyway) and takes no crap like Sharon. I was a content rock fan for the rest of the show.
The concert continued with some more songs that I didn't know, and then it was over. It was a very short show, only about forty minutes, but I approved of that too, because she isn't trying to milk her celebrity. She has the one album, she plays some tunes, and she goes on her way. Of course, the encore was Papa Don't Preach, teen dance party style.
For the encore, she starting pulling fans up on stage. She finally had about ten up there and started the song while the fans danced. And I loved it. Under normal circumstances, I would have popped a neck vein from all of my scoffing, but I couldn't help but enjoy it. I think a good part of that was due to the fans themselves. The fans didn't hang all over Kelly or her band while they were trying to work. The kids on stage all just sort of hopped up and down, dancing with whichever band member wandered by. It looked to me like Kelly Osbourne made sure that she danced with everyone, and she also gave each fan a hug before they left the stage. It was perfectly charming, and I enjoyed it very much. (By all accounts, Kelly was a sweetheart to everyone she encountered all day. I enjoy that too.)
After the show, she did an autograph signing that seemed to last about a year, because she was chatting with everyone who came through line. And I approved of that. I'm pretty sure I would go see her a second time if I had the opportunity. (Preferably in a club again, just in case she chose to bounce another concertgoer. She won me over with that incident.) Anyway, the Kelly Osbourne show turned out to be a good time, and I was relieved. I didn't waste my valuable procrastination time and, more importantly, if Sharon Osbourne ever reads this, she probably won't hate me.