Did I ever tell you about the time that CEB wrote an episode of Raw for me? A few weeks ago, we were emailing back and forth with our complaints about how much the writing on Raw sucks. He said that he had wished that such-and-such had happened (I forget what it was) and I told him that he was a wrestling scripting genius. And then I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. Apparently scripting geniuses, once declared to be geniuses, have no time for their fans.
And then I went home, checked my email, and saw that CEB had sent me a little something. When I opened it up, I was treated to four pages (single-spaced) of his idea for a Raw episode. It was chock full of my favorite wrestlers, and two fans with obnoxious signs whose physical descriptions were very similar to the way LCG and I look. It was absolutely charming, and even though I'm pretty sure he just did it because he was very bored at work, I like to pretend that he was trying to provide me with the very best in customized sports entertainment.
You may now be asking yourself, "Why do I care?" Well, I like to remember why I like CEB so I don't hold it against him when I get hate mail. When I get (non-Queensrÿche-related) hate mail, it is very often caused by something CEB said. I received this in December, and it has caused an extremely peculiar bonding process to occur between CEB and myself. We have been giggling about it for six months now, and today I am going to pass the giggling on to you.
The regular bonus commentary is from me, the bonus commentary that is labeled with who said what is from the emailing that CEB and I did a couple of days after this arrived.
Exhibit One: The Setup
DA: I got hate mail about my Carmine Appice article. Let me repeat that if you are as confused as I am. I got hate mail about my Carmine Appice article.
Exhibit Two: The Hate Mail (All caps. This dude was hollering at me. Hee-hee!)
HI,
IM WRITING IN RESPONSE TO YOUR ARTICLE ON CARMINE APPICES CAREER. APPARENTLY YOU BELIVE THAT HIS CAREER ISNT THAT GOOD. HE HASNT BEEN TOO SUCCESSFUL. WELL THATS FINE, BUT HE IS SUCCESSFUL. I BELEIVE HIS CAREER IS ABOUT 10 TIMES BETTER THEN WHAT YOUR DOING FOR A LIVING. YOUR SITTING BEHIND YOUR LITTLE COMPUTER TYPING AND ANALYZING HIS SO CALLED "OK" CAREER, WHILE HES OUT ON STAGE IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, OR HANGING OUT WITH MOVIES STARS, ROCK STARS, AND A THOUSAND OTHER PEOPLE WHOM YOU WILL NEVER GET TO SHAKE HANDS WITH LET ALONE SHARE A SHOT AT A PRIVATE PARTY. SO UNTILL YOU ARE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT HE HAS I REALLY DONT THINK HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY.
SINCERLY,Exhibit Three: The Fun (I am not even going to bother picking apart spelling and grammar, because it is obvious that this guy doesn't have an apostrophe key.)
HI,
Hello!
IM WRITING IN RESPONSE TO YOUR ARTICLE ON CARMINE APPICES CAREER.
Words I never thought I'd hear.
APPARENTLY YOU BELIVE THAT HIS CAREER ISNT THAT GOOD.
Apparently I believed it when I was seventeen.
HE HASNT BEEN TOO SUCCESSFUL.
I never said that.
WELL THATS FINE, BUT HE IS SUCCESSFUL.
I would like to know which definition of successful we are using.
I BELEIVE HIS CAREER IS ABOUT 10 TIMES BETTER THEN WHAT YOUR DOING FOR A LIVING.
As I have covered before, there are only four jobs worse than mine. Being Carmine Appice isn't one of them.
YOUR SITTING BEHIND YOUR LITTLE COMPUTER TYPING AND ANALYZING HIS SO CALLED "OK" CAREER, WHILE HES OUT ON STAGE IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, OR HANGING OUT WITH MOVIES STARS, ROCK STARS, AND A THOUSAND OTHER PEOPLE WHOM YOU WILL NEVER GET TO SHAKE HANDS WITH LET ALONE SHARE A SHOT AT A PRIVATE PARTY. SO UNTILL YOU ARE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT HE HAS I REALLY DONT THINK HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY.
SINCERLY,
Oh, that is so cute! Mr. Angry Carmine Fan thought that I do this for a living. Not yet, dude, but thanks for the vote of confidence. At least he signed it sincerely. That means a lot to me. I got through that grammatical trainwreck without screaming, and I think that qualifies as a big accomplishment, so I will feel free to go on to the email portion of the Carmine discussion.
DA: Um. Excuse me? A. I WAS at a private party when I saw Carmine. B. He played the Taste of Freaking Minnesota. Millions of people indeed! C. I don't "do shots."
CEB: You forgot to mention that Carmine played the Taste of Minnesota probably not far from the booth where Chubby Checker was selling steaks. At the Tommy Lee show, I think that he talked to the drummer from the Tommy Lee band. Wow, major celebrity there.
I think the last time Carmine played to "millions" of people would have been with Ozzy (Bark At The Moon tour) or Rod Stewart (Blondes Have More Fun tour). If I had a small "private" party, would Carmine come, hang out with us, and do shots?
"Carmine Appice, I write hit disco songs and play drums to them wearing a dangling earring. It's all I do and I do it well."
DA: Do you think if you add up all of the crowds that Carmine has ever played to, would that come to millions? If you had a private party and Carmine showed up, I don't think I would go.
CEB: Looking at Carmine, I think that he has played to millions of backstage buffet tables. Is this the longest email ever with Carmine Appice in the subject line? It is almost longer than the relevance of his career.
DA: This is indeed the longest conversation about Carmine Appice, ever.
Well, it was the longest conversation about Carmine Appice until a Friday in March. CEB had just acquired digital cable, and he apparently had absolutely nothing to do at work. Early in the day, I got this:
CEB: I found VH1 Classic. Two nights ago they were playing rock videos. There on the screen was the Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? video by Rod Stewart. Carmine Appice was tremendous in the video. He definitely was the glue that held that disco beat together. By the way, Carmine was wearing a "fabulous" red shirt. Almost pirate like. I'll bet John Sykes saw that video and said, "I need to have that scary pirate dude as my drummer. He won't steal any of the chicks from me."
And then I got some more email. When opened, they were various pictures of Carmine. I got one with him and Rod Stewart receiving gold records, a couple of glamour shots, and then the greatest photo of Carmine Appice ever taken. Somewhere, CEB found a photo of Carmine Appice with Leif Garrett. I plan on printing that one up on photo paper and framing it.
DA: I saw the 1977 Behind The Music last night and they showed a clip of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? and you are right, Carmine really was tremendous. Did you see his moustache? On a completely unrelated topic, are you into Digipaks, or am I getting you confused with someone else?
CEB: Digipaks are cool. Cooler if they have bonus tracks. Not as cool as Carmine's moustache. I don't think anything is as cool as Carmine's moustache.
Did the Aspiring Pirate choose the name 'Pirate' after seeing Carmine's outfit in the video? I'm guessing the Pirate was inspired to become a drummer after seeing the 'tour-de-force' performance Carmine put on keeping the Disco beat going strong.
Then he sent me something else.
CEB: Check this out from a message board. HA HA HA HA.
It was some female fan's disturbing tribute to how much she wants Carmine.
CEB: I'd say that Friday March 14 is Carmine Appice Appreciation day. In other words, All Carmine, All Day. The Carmine-a-palooza is on.
The very next night he called at two in the morning.
CEB: "Are you near a television?"
Me: "No."
CEB: "Go find a TV with VH1 Classic and turn it on."
Me: "I'm in the drive-thru at White Castle."
CEB: "But there's a Vanilla Fudge video on!"
Me: "It won't be on once I get to a television!"
Benevolent fellow that he is, he described the entire video to me. Nothing about Carmine was too unimportant for him to discuss. The outfit, the camera angles, everything. And then he was sad when the video was over after three minutes.
I realize that this is probably not normal behavior, but I don't think that CEB and I understand that anymore. We just understand that Carmine=Comedy, and we never would have known without the hate mail.