After my aborted trip to see Blue Öyster Cult I was considering skipping the Chubby Checker show. It was too hot. But after counting the days until the show for close to a year, it really wasn't a legitimate option. He was scheduled for 7:00 P.M. so the sun would be lower, and his stage was at the bottom of the bridge so I wouldn't have to walk all that far. I still wasn't very excited until about four hours before the show.
2:36 P.M.
I called Joejung. He told me that the New Guy wasn't going to be able to make it. What? Well, he had a root canal three days before and then got strep throat on top of that.
Me: "Okay. I guess his permission slip to skip the show has been signed."
Joejung: "What? I've been telling him all week he still has to go."
Me: "Oh. Well keep on bullying then. Don't let me stop you."
We agreed to meet on the bridge at a quarter to seven. I brought my pocket notebook just in case.
6:50 P.M.
I arrived at the designated meeting spot.
6:53 P.M.
Joejung arrived and we wandered down the bridge. (This is the first time we have been on time for anything, ever.) He still had some food tickets left over from his previous trip to the festival so we stopped for a snack and then went to find our spot.
6:59 P.M.
The crowd was smaller than I had anticipated.
Me: "Dude. I was hoping to generate a bigger crowd than this. I've been plugging the show for a year! None of these people look like they might be readers. New mission: try to guess if anyone here reads the site."
It looked like all of the people in attendance were actually there for the love of Chubby Checker, and not for my goofy reasons. I couldn't decide if that was good or bad.
7:11 P.M.
Me: "It's 7:11 dude."
Joejung: "I know."
7:19 P.M.
Me: "It's 7:19. Did Chubby Checker cancel?"
Joejung: "I don't think so. I didn't see his name taped over on any of the boards."
(You know. The big sandwich boards placed around the grounds that list the acts for the day.)
Me: "If he canceled I'm going to go yell at the DJ from the oldies station. The station van is at the top of the hill."
Joejung: "Okay!"
We decided to check the board, and Chubby Checker and the Wildcats were still listed.
7:23 P.M.
Joejung: "Is Chubby Checker such a big name that he can keep us waiting?"
Me: "He's pulling an Axl Rose! Axl made us wait an hour and ten minutes."
Then we started to wonder which of those artists was more relevant in the year 2003. It's a tossup. I was going to create an equation that plotted career relevance vs. ticket price vs. length of show delay to decide who is more pompous, but then we decided it is probably Chubby Checker, just because he kept us waiting at a free show.
Me: "How long is it going to take to set up the stage? Did Joey Dee and the Starliters really need such a different sound? Is Chubby Checker's stage setup so radically different?"
7:28 P.M.
Two people in their early twenties snuck by, trying to get closer to the front. The first one said, "Excuse me!" ever so friendly, while the second one turned to me on his way past and said, "Chubby Checker mosh pit!" I then turned to Joejung and said, "Reader." I was wishing I had business cards, because if that guy isn't a reader, he should be.
7:29 P.M.
The festival organizer appeared on stage and gave a long-winded talk about how great his festival is. He also made it sound like he has known Chubby Checker for the past thirty years. It could be true, I tuned him out and missed ninety percent of his thirty year old anecdote.
7:31 P.M.
The organizer was still talking, but he gave out a piece of information that I wanted very much. He said that Chubby Checker had been there last year, and had such a good time meeting people that he told the organizer guy that he definitely wanted to come back the following year. I finally had my explanation as to why the show was booked so far in advance.
The rambling came to an end, the introduction was made, and Chubby Checker appeared. In a camel colored outfit. A very tight camel colored outfit.
Me: "Are his pants upsetting you too?"
Joejung: "I haven't gotten that far. I'm still up here." (Made gesture to indicate 'from the neck up.')
Were the pants spandex? Satin? I couldn't tell, and certainly didn't want to get close enough to make a positive identification. He also had on boots, in a camel shade that didn't quite match his outfit.
Joejung: "Those pants are really constraining his movements."
Me: "They really showcase his area. Have you been treated to a side view yet?"
Joejung: "No. (There was a brief pause, then a scream of horror.) Aaah! Now I have."
As we were discussing his pants, he was busy playing some songs that we don't know.
Then he played I'm Walkin' and we wondered if Joejung's prediction was coming true. (He had guessed that the set list would be The Twist and a bunch of covers.)
7:41 P.M.
It occurred to me that Chubby Checker could play the sockhop.
Blueberry Hill.
Me: "He must be a poster boy for clean living and red meat. His face does not look his age and he sounds great."
Joejung: "I was thinking he's a robot."
Me: "Yeah?"
Joejung: "Like, they must keep his head in a jar and just attach it for shows."
Me: "Like on Futurama?"
Joejung: "Yeah!"
Suddenly, a plane flew over trailing an advertising banner. It read: CORNSTALKFEST CHARLIE DANIELS JULY 18-19.
Me: "Charlie Daniels! Why would they advertise Charlie Daniels at Chubby Checker? Is it the same demographic? I would totally go see Charlie Daniels. Hey! Their advertising worked!"
Joejung: "But then you would have to go to something called Cornstalkfest."
Me: "I think I'm okay with that."
7:45 P.M.
Notebook entry: I could be paranoid but I think people are glaring at me and my notebook.
In the middle of one of Chubby's songs, a roadie brought out what appeared to be some sort of exercise machine. I was filled with hope that Chubby had gone from selling meat products to being a traveling infomercial for the latest and greatest way to lose weight. The base appeared to be no larger than two feet across, and it held three record albums in a triangular shape. As triangular as round LPs can be. Then coming up from the base, it had handles/poles not unlike the ones found on ski machines.
Chubby hopped up onto it, and used it to do The Twist. I didn't understand. He placed his feet on the records (records are for listening, Mr. Checker) and grabbed the handles and twisted.
Then there was a bass solo.
Chubby Checker was still on the exerciser/dance machine.
The song ended, and a roadie placed the exerciser back in the truck next to the stage.
I still don't quite know what the point of that was.
Then he did these moves that looked like a modified disco dance.
Me: "What is that?"
Joejung: "It's the I'm in the Commodores and my pants are too tight dance."
Then it was Pony Time.
I did not turn to the right when he said cheese, nor did I turn to the left when he said halt.
7:55 P.M.
Chubby shuffled down the very steep ramp that led up to the stage and opened up the barricade. The barricade was so far from the stage it left about four feet of empty space between Chubby and the crowd, and he wasn't having it.
Me: "This could get interesting."
Joejung: "That's what I'm thinking."
Chubby was mingling with the masses! How exciting! He wandered through the crowd, singing and shaking hands, and I hid just in case. Meanwhile, about five security guys followed him.
Joejung: "They weren't protecting him this much when he was selling meat last year!"
He went back up to the stage, and the security staff closed the barricade behind him. When Chubby saw this he said, "Open that up. It's not a picnic, it's a rock and roll show."
Yes! Yeeeaaahhh! My respect for Chubby Checker skyrocketed at that point. Security shrugged and removed the barricade, and the happy people in the front got to move up several feet and swoon at Chubby's feet. I approved very much of his barricade removal.
But then...then...then he turned to the side and engaged in some hip thrusting last seen in a Danzig video. The video for Mother '93 that made Beavis and Butthead mock Glenn Danzig for his little wussy dance.
Me: "My eyes are burning."
Joejung: "Mine started to burn when he started jiggling his ass in front of us."
It was awful enough when Danzig did it, but Chubby Checker? No words can express the horror. At that moment I made a solemn vow to never, ever see another Chubby Checker show without CEB. That little dance would have provided CEB with enough material for me to fill several notebook pages. It hurt me to think how many wisecracks I was missing due to his absence.
8:04 P.M.
He loaded the stage up with ladies from the crowd, so they could all join him in a dance called The Fly. The ladies were really happy.
8:09 P.M.
The stage was cleared of fans, and he started in on a country song. One of the lines in the chorus was, "You're gonna like it when I touch you."
Me: "Would it be wrong to let out a piercing scream right now?"
Joejung: "Good piercing scream, or bad piercing scream?"
Me: "Bad."
Joejung: "That would be okay."
We gawked in horror for another minute.
Joejung: "He opened up the gates because this is a rock show."
While we waited for the country song to end we looked around at the other people.
Joejung: "Is this what the crowd is going to be like in thirty years when David Bowie does the Taste Of Minnesota?"
Me: "Probably."
I pondered that enjoyable picture for a minute, but then did some math.
Me: "Wait! David Bowie will be in his eighties in thirty years. He'll be shuffling out with a cigarette. 'Ground control to Major Tom...'"
Chubby Checker kicked into another cover. I forget what it was.
Joejung: "Do you think he just did a Google search for dance craze songs? 'Okay, here's our set list.'"
8:16 P.M.
Blue Suede Shoes. Wait! He moved into Rock Around The Clock. Wait! Back to Blue Suede Shoes. Oh, then Rock Around The Clock some more. That wasn't even a medley! It was more of a merge, and he was taking liberties with the lyrics to Rock Around The Clock.
8:18 P.M.
The music for My Girl started up, but Chubby Checker started singing I Heard It Through The Grapevine. The band adjusted right away, but I didn't.
Me: "Wasn't that the music for My Girl?"
Joejung: "Yeah."
Me: "But he wasn't singing My Girl."
Joejung: "Nope."
8:19 P.M.
Joejung: "We might need the set list."
Me: "We say that at every show we've every been to."
It has always been our goal to nab one of the set lists that is taped to the stage, but we are never close enough.
The band moved back into My Girl, and the bass player sang lead and Chubby sang backup.
At this point, I made sure to write down that the huge banner over the stage said THE STAGE OF THE PAST.
Joejung, leaning over my shoulder to read what I was writing, declared that it was very aptly named.
8:25 P.M.
Elvis impersonation. It was pretty accurate, but it still hurt. Then he sang Stuck On You and did some very scary Elvis style hip shaking.
8:28 P.M.
Good Golly Miss Molly.
8:29 P.M.
Tutti Frutti.
I Saw Her Standing There.
8:31 P.M.
Chubby Checker turned around and we were treated to the sight of back sweat that had soaked through his shirt and onto his camel colored jacket.
8:32 P.M.
The Twist. I therefore assumed that the show was over. I called CEB to leave a message so he could enjoy The Twist too, but by the time his voice mail picked up, there was an extended saxophone solo. Foiled!
8:35 P.M.
Now he was packing the stage with male fans, as The Twist continued. Suddenly though, Chubby Checker started shooing people off stage. "Too much weight on the stage! Too much weight!" It made me wonder if a minor disaster was going to occur. (Other than the show.) Could he feel the stage floor starting to sag under the weight? Or was he just anticipating problems?
8:38 P.M.
I saw ass sweat to match the back sweat.
8:40 P.M.
Joejung still had some food tickets, so we went to get a corn dog. The Twist just wasn't ending.
8:43 P.M.
Hound Dog.
Maybelline.
8:45 P.M.
Let's Twist Again.
8:48 P.M.
Finally, the show was over. The festival organizer came back out and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Chubby Checker! If you want, he'll be back again next year!"
That's not a promise, that's a threat. My secret fear is going to become a reality. I am never going to completely rid myself of the Chubby Checker Counter. I'm just going to get a six week break every year. Great.
The promoter also announced that Chubby Checker would be signing autographs and chatting with fans. Obviously, I have no business getting an autograph from Chubby Checker, so Joejung and I left the festival and started the long trip back up the bridge. Our job there was done, at least for this year.