I got some more hate mail, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what this guy hates. It's no secret that most of my hate mail baffles me, because I never get hate mail when I expect it. Earlier this summer I said some rude things about Eric Clapton, then sat back and waited for the venom to pour into my inbox. All I got was the following note from a regular emailer.
I was amused by the article where you mentioned "Layla" and "Wonderful Tonight"...especially the part about how the latter is basically about how hot she looks, how well she treats him, and what a fine job she does at driving his drunk ass home to tuck him in. I've often thought he should have included a verse that mentions what a fine job she did, cleaning up after he vomited when they got home.
That was all I got. While funny, it still left me confused about the world in which I live, where I can pick on Eric Clapton all day long but it fills people with rage when I talk about Carmine Appice in an unflattering way. Well, this time I got some email inspired by my piece on Desmond Child. And let me again point out that I can't figure out exactly what this guy hates. As near as I can tell, he hates Desmond Child, Bon Jovi, KISS, and me. I think. I'm having some trouble unraveling this mystery, so I'm sharing it with the class. As usual, exhibit one is the hate mail and exhibit two is the hate mail with bonus commentary.
Exhibit One
Your just another idiot of the Desmond Child triology. Your head is up your ass and it smells like the crap your dishing. READ ON JACKASS!
Tis story is nothing but alie for the most part. Living ON A Prayer was initially created by another member of the Desmond Child Collaboration, which began as a collaboration of co-producers/producers/songwriters. Desmond Child was not his nickname in high school. His real name (John Barrett Jr.) is not mentioned in the article. Rock 'n' Roll stories are nothing but farfetched lies. There is always the truth and real story behind all the Rock 'n' Roll garbage (crap) that is dished out. The same goes for You Give Love A Bad Name & the title of the album Slipper When Wet. John Barrett JR. received the credit, but he is nothing but f-----g monkey.
KISS my ass Bon Jovi.
KISS (Paul Stanley) my ass.
You know where this is leading.
Exhibit Two
Your just another idiot of the Desmond Child triology.
That should be you are just another idiot. And it's spelled trilogy. No O. And what on earth is the Desmond Child trilogy? If I am an idiot of the Desmond Child trilogy, does that mean I am a member of some sort of club? And if I am, how can I get that membership revoked?
Your head is up your ass and it smells like the crap your dishing.
You are dishing. But there is a clue here. Apparently I was dishing out crap. I thought I was just dishing out insults.
READ ON JACKASS!
I think that was meant to offend, but LCG regularly calls me a jackass.
Tis story is nothing but alie for the most part.
'Tis the season for a story that is a lie.
For the most part.
He never did specify which parts were lies.
Living ON A Prayer was initially created by another member of the Desmond Child Collaboration, which began as a collaboration of co-producers/producers/songwriters.
I don't know what this means. I think this guy is trying to tell me that Desmond Child had some sort of songwriting co-op and that another songwriter came up with Livin' On A Prayer.
Desmond Child was not his nickname in high school.
I know that. I read an article with him in a guitar magazine when I was in high school. I vaguely remember him saying something stupid about the summer he became Desmond Child. I'd have to dig out the magazine to be sure, but I remember him freely admitting that it was a professional name. But who cares?
His real name (John Barrett Jr.) is not mentioned in the article.
I didn't know his real name. And if I ever decide that I care, I will good and well research it myself instead of taking this email as a source of factual information.
Rock 'n' Roll stories are nothing but farfetched lies.
Well, duh. That's why I frequently refer to the legend or the story I heard because you never know what is true.
There is always the truth and real story behind all the Rock 'n' Roll garbage (crap) that is dished out.
If he had not provided the synonym for garbage I would have been so confused. And all of the songs that I claimed were written or co-written by Desmond Child, well, you can look it up anywhere and see that he has the songwriting credit. So if it is indeed a lie, the lie runs awfully deep.
The same goes for You Give Love A Bad Name & the title of the album Slipper When Wet.
The same what goes for those? I don't even know what he is talking about. Is he still talking about the alleged lie? Also, Slipper When Wet? Be careful that you don't wear a slipper when it's wet. Your foot may get cold.
John Barrett JR. received the credit, but he is nothing but f-----g monkey.
He is nothing but f-----g monkey? Does he mean a f-----g monkey? What? I don't like Desmond Child either, why did this guy even write to me? Because I repeated the story I have read one million times about Desmond Child's involvement with Bon Jovi?
KISS my ass Bon Jovi.
Hard to argue with that one.
KISS (Paul Stanley) my ass.
Wait a minute...I like Paul Stanley. He's the one member of KISS that I can stand. The other guys have their moments, but I consistently like Paul Stanley.
You know where this is leading.
I'm afraid I don't. If I had to hazard a guess I would say that he was implying that I could also kiss his ass, but I still can't figure out why.