For the most part, I don't watch much television. More specifically, I don't watch much major network programming. Most of my adult life, I have worked second shift and haven't been at home to watch TV. My last job was a day job, but I was at school during the evening hours. This is really just as well, because when I do accidentally catch a prime time sitcom, it hurts. On the other hand, I can't get enough of sweet, sweet cable television.
I like ESPN because it gives me all of the exciting parts of games that I could never sit through in real life. And of course, there is my beloved VH1. (And if I am at LCG's house, the doubly beloved VH1 Classic.) What can't those channels do? Well, VH1 is going the way of the MTV so I guess showing music is something they can't do. But VH1 Classic is a wonderful happy place. A couple of weeks ago, LCG and I had what might have been the Greatest Day Of Television, Ever.
It all started in the early afternoon. I was supposed to be looking for a job, but instead ended up sitting on the couch with LCG. We were watching VH1 Classic when along came a Bon Jovi video. I loved Bon Jovi as a youth, but as time passes I notice that my levels of Bon Jovi-related irritation are getting higher. Their videos suck. Why did I think they were so great? These days I turn into Beavis (complete with Beavis voice) whenever I see Livin' On A Prayer. "Oh, look. Jon is flying on a wire. This is stupid."
But on this particular day, it was even worse than Livin' On A Prayer. It was Lay Your Hands On Me. I have very little patience with post-Slippery When Wet Bon Jovi, because I abandoned them after that record. They shouldn't have taken two years to put out that follow-up album. Somewhere between Slippery When Wet and New Jersey, I got distracted by Poison. I was still fiercely loyal to Poison in 1988, and they were far more interesting than Bon Jovi. Around that time, I had also discovered Anthrax and, of course, Guns N' Roses. Why did I need Bon Jovi when I had Guns N' Roses? I didn't.
So now when I see a video from that era of Bon Jovi, I watch in horrified fascination, because the songs from New Jersey are not permanently burned into my brain the way the songs from Slippery When Wet are. First of all, what was Jon Bon Jovi thinking when he got dressed for that video? During certain portions he is wearing sunglasses that look like he bought them out of the vending machine right next to the gumballs. The frames are a bad shade of orange, they are a dorky shape, and on top of that, they are too small for his face. It looks like he borrowed a toddler's beach sunglasses.
Just because Jon has some money doesn't mean that I think he should spend it wildly, but there are plenty of nice sunglasses available for less than ten dollars. I buy mine at the record store, but even some gas stations have reasonably priced spectacles. And, this is very important, these places have mirrors. With the help of a mirror you can make sure you don't look like a dork before you leave the store, much less shoot a video in front of a packed arena.
But I forgot all about the glasses once I got a good look at his jacket. He was wearing a mid-calf length trench coat that was covered with patches, including a patch with the universal logo for anarchy. Nothing says anarchy quite like Jon Bon Jovi, but unfortunately, he lost his place in Rage Against The Machine because he had to shoot a movie. Luckily, the Bon Jovi video ended before anything got thrown at the TV.
Next up, one of the greatest ballads in the world. Close My Eyes Forever by Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne. LCG and I love Close My Eyes Forever so much! When we sing along with the radio, he opts to be Lita because he is amused by emoting theatrically, while I like to make the scary faces that Ozzy makes in the video.
But now we weren't limited to the radio, we could watch and enjoy Ozzy and Lita! So much eyeliner was applied for that video. LCG started wondering who wrote the song, and I was pretty sure it was the two of them. He was pleased because that means Lita is still making some money off the song. Then we discussed how the song came into existence. I'm not positive, but if memory serves, Sharon Osbourne was managing both of them at the time, and she set it up. But we still didn't know who wrote the song.
"Why don't we call the source?" said he. I was confused because I thought he meant Sharon Osbourne. We don't know her! Then he added, "CEB will know." Oh, of course he would! But CEB was at work because he has a real job, so we opted to look it up instead. Since we are mildly useless, we didn't look it up and I just now took care of it, two weeks later. It was Ozzy and Lita.
That song is the only duet that I can think of that I actually like. Anything in the Jennifer Warnes and/or Joe Cocker and/or Bill Medley and/or Stevie Nicks category makes me cranky. I told LCG that if I ever put out a compilation album of duets, it would just be Close My Eyes Forever repeated ten times.
LCG: "What about Islands In The Stream?"
Me: "Oops! That can be on the album too."
LCG: "Just alternate them. Ozzy and Lita, then Kenny and Dolly..."
Me: "Good thinking."
LCG: "Best. Album. Ever."
Then LCG ran upstairs. I thought he was checking to see who wrote Close My Eyes Forever, but he was actually just checking his email. Either way, I was left alone with the TV, and was treated to Brian Setzer playing the banjo. Do you hear me? Brian Setzer was on television playing the banjo! It was a video shot for VH1 Classic when he visited their studio. He played a song from his new album, solo acoustic style. The first half of the song he played the banjo, then handed it off to someone and switched to his regular guitar. He was wearing leather pants and a western shirt and playing the banjo! TV doesn't get any better. Or does it?