Why is Clay Aiken famous? I need somebody to explain to me why I know the name Clay Aiken. I know that he was on American Idol, but I thought he lost to Ruben. Therefore, I would like to know why I recently saw a Clay Aiken music video. Furthermore, I would like someone to tell me why I was able to identify the artist as Clay Aiken after my initial Butthead-style, "What is this crap?" reaction.
It was two in the morning, and I was watching some TV with LCG. He left the room for a minute, which meant that I got the remote. Whee! I was flipping through the music channels, and I came across the VH1 Insomniac Music Theater intro. It was the intro with the sleepytime music and the spinning wheel that has a sheep on the end of each spoke. I love the VH1 sheep! I also love it when music video channels play music videos, so I stayed tuned.
But I was fooled! They were going to commercial. The intro also acts as an outro sometimes, and this was one of those times. Dang. I flipped some more, and when I came back to VH1 a video had just started so I missed the artist info. It was a horrible little ugly blond troll who appeared to be wearing lip gloss, and he was singing a pitiful mid-tempo song. The Butthead gears started turning in my brain. After, "What is this crap?" came, "Who is this guy?" The video takes place with him on a stage in the middle of a street and as he works his way through the song, a delighted crowd appears.
There are people leaning on windowsills and swooning and people running up the street to the stage. Why do they know him? It occurred to me that it might be Clay Aiken, because I seemed to recall him being on the cover of Rolling Stone, and I think his unda-pants were showing. No, I found a copy of the photo and his shirt is blowing up (wind machines?) to show off a bit of waistband and icky troll belly. Anyway, as I was deciding how I knew him, he started crooning to some lucky lady in the audience. She was crying. Now, I would be crying if Clay Aiken's face was that close to mine, but I think she was shedding tears of joy.
This is when LCG wandered back into the room and said, "What is this crap?"
Me: "Uhhh, I think it's Clay Aiken."
LCG: "Who?"
Me: "I think he was on American Idol."
LCG: "I thought that Ruben won."
Me: "He did. It came down to Ruben and Clay."
LCG: "Oh. Where's the remote?"
Me: "I want to finish watching this. It's not very good."
On the television, Clay continued to wish that he were invincible. Or invisible. Or both? I don't know. (According to this sidesplitting review which you must read, he says both invincible and invisible in the chorus).
LCG: "I wish he was invisible too."
Me: "I think he said invincible."
LCG: "Can I have the flipper?"
I relinquished the flipper as the song ended, so I was able to verify that it was indeed Clay Aiken. I snorted at the fact that his album is called Measure Of A Man, and then LCG switched to ESPN, which eased the pain caused by Clay Aiken. So, why is Clay Aiken famous?
I guess it comes down to a different question. Why do people watch American Idol? I have, on a couple of occasions, watched American Idol. On those occasions, I was very grateful that I had class at night, so I would never, ever, even by accident, catch American Idol ever again.
About a year and a half ago, I saw the very first episode. As I recall, it was a Tuesday and I had cut class to go home and finish a final paper for another class. (Actually, I was using the same final paper for two classes, now that I think about it). Anyway, on the way home my urge to drive around listening to Meat Loaf was overwhelming, and I called the Pirate to see if he was free later that evening. I decided that if I worked really hard for an hour or two, I could go out and play later on.
A little after seven, Maggie May ended for the fifth or sixth time, just as I was completing the spell check on my paper. I called the Pirate to plan for some Meat Loaf.
Pirate: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi."
Pirate: "Oh! My! God! Are you watching Fox?"
Me: "I've been listening to Rod Stewart."
Pirate: "Okay, you need to turn on the TV. American Idol is on and it's bad. Do you have the TV on yet?"
Me: "No."
Pirate: "You just missed a horrible version of Bohemian Rhapsody."
Me: "What?"
I turned on the television, but that horror had passed. We happened to be watching during the part of the show where they played clips of people who hadn't made it to the contestant pool. Maybe they meant for us to be upset by the clips, I'll never know for sure. I know that I sat down (still on the phone) and gaped at the TV for the next twenty minutes.
Me: "Dude, I could have been at your house by now. Nothing was stopping me from putting on my shoes and driving over while we talked."
But something was stopping me. American Idol. It was a horrible mess of a program, and we were hypnotized. The Pirate thought it would be great if we watched it every week and reviewed it. But I had class and didn't want to tape it, because if I did tape it, I would actually have to watch it. I assigned him the task of watching the next episode, which I think was on the very next night. He didn't really want to watch it either, so we ditched the concept. If I had been thinking, I would have ditched the idea immediately, because Television Without Pity was handling American Idol very competently.
So I never watched again. Except that one time. I was trying to take a nap on LCG's couch but after a rerun of That '70s Show I forgot to change the channel and sat through most of an episode. It wasn't very good. I think it was the first season, and I think they were down to six contestants at that point. Does that sound right? I don't know.
I do know that I sort of followed the show through my only co-worker who was not insane, The EQ. She was very devoted to American Idol, so a couple of days a week she would tell me what had happened on the previous evening's show. Now, my old job was horrible, so secondhand information about American Idol was better than hearing anything else that was going on in that office.
But there is one thing that I never did understand. Why is American Idol popular? One of the reasons the Pirate and I wanted to review it was because we didn't think it would last more than a few episodes. We didn't think that anyone would watch it, so we could say whatever we wanted for the three weeks the show was on the air.
Wrong! I was wrong! I was wrong, wrong, wrong. WRONG.
According to the American Idol web site, they have thirty million viewers.
Wrong! I was wrong!
I went to the American Idol web site because I was looking for a Mission Statement. I figured that buried somewhere deep on the site I could find documentation that, "The Mission of American Idol is to make the record industry even more of a sham," or possibly, "The Mission of American Idol is to insult the intelligence of millions who will still buy our products." I didn't find it. Maybe it's on a plaque in an office somewhere.
So I still don't know why Clay Aiken is famous, and on top of that, I don't know why American Idol is popular. But I do know that thanks to thirty million viewers, I know the names Kelly, Justin, Ruben, and Clay, and I really wish that I didn't.