Why must I turn this website into a house of lies? Day in and day out I do my best to check my facts and keep my word, and then I go and watch the Super Bowl. This came to pass for three big reasons. First of all, on Sunday morning I had this email from Miss Megala:
Good news I bring! The commercial will NOT be appearing during the Super Bowl, as it was apparently "not cleared for viewing." (I bet you it was Spears' lack of clothing this time.)
And for the record, I do live in the U.S.
Oops! I thought sure she was an American living in England. I stand corrected. But since I didn't have to worry about seeing the slaughter of We Will Rock You, that left me free to watch the Super Bowl. That alone wouldn't be enough to convince me, but I decided it would be fun to watch the game with LCG.
You see, LCG has a standing invitation to a Super Bowl Party (shudder) each year, but this year he chose not to attend. I then offered to be his Super Bowl Buddy because it seemed like a good excuse to eat Party Pizzas and Cheez Balls. And eat salty crap we did! Lastly, even though I think that football is spectacularly boring, it is very fun to watch with LCG.
When he is added to the mix, football becomes very entertaining for me. I watch enough ESPN that I know quite a bit of the terminology, and I like to use it against the announcers in a Beavis/Butthead/MST3K sort of way. Any other football fan would throw me out of their house after five minutes, but LCG giggles when I start hollering at player interviews. Since he doesn't care that I yell at the TV he is the ideal Football Buddy, and I decided to go ahead and watch the Super Bowl.
Except I didn't really watch the Super Bowl. I was playing one of the video games available on his phone and periodically yelling at the color commentators. And I had the first shift for cooking Party Pizzas (total number enjoyed: four) so I was roaming in and out of the room. And then came halftime. LCG went into the kitchen for pizza duty and I remained on the couch.
Me: Is Aerosmith playing at halftime?
LCG: No, you missed them when you were out buying snacks.
Me: Oh, that's just as well.
LCG: At least Steven Tyler wasn't wearing the black stuff under his eyes like in that commercial.
Me: Ah, good.
I sat through that 'hey you moron! register to vote!' montage and then they cut to Jessica Simpson, wearing some sort of Sexy Drum Majorette outfit. Um. Uhhhh. Hmm. I hopped up and ran into the kitchen.
Me: Jessica ... Simpson... Sexy... Drum ... Majorette ... outfit ... little ... white ... short ... shorts ... silver ... sequins ... big ... dumb ... hat... waste ... of ... good ... sequins.
LCG: (Patting me on the head the way one might if reassuring a toddler.) It's o-kay. Now you go back and sit on the couch, okay? You might get some material.
Me: I don't want to get material if I have to look at that outfit.
But off to the couch I went. And Janet Jackson came out and sang a song.
Me: I don't think she is really singing.
LCG: Duh!
Me: I hate that!
LCG vanished back into the kitchen but reemerged a second later when he heard a P. Diddy song start. LCG has a soft spot for P. Diddy.
LCG: Look! Puffy's dancing! And what a great coat!
Me: He is wearing that coat. If anyone else tried to wear it, the coat would be wearing them.
On screen, P. Diddy's track kicked into the tune of Toni Basil's Mickey, except it was not Mickey who was so fine, it was Diddy.
LCG: (Doing the Puffy/P. Diddy dance) This is my new favorite song!
Then some flames blasted and Nelly came out to perform Hot In Herre. LCG was delighted, because he also enjoys Nelly. He especially liked how Nelly was not so good at keeping the microphone near his mouth as he lip synched.
LCG: Puffy's got it right! He's a pro. But Nelly's the new guy. (To the TV) Nelly! Keep. The microphone. In front. Of your mouth.
And then Bawitdaba started up and Kid Rock arrived in a hideous coat. When he threw off the coat and revealed the American Flag he was wearing, LCG dissolved into giggles. I noted that of all the acts so far, Kid Rock had gotten the biggest pop.
LCG: Never underestimate the cheap pop you can get with the American Flag.
Me: Did he shampoo for the occasion?
LCG: Maybe Pammy made him shower.
Then the band segued from Bawitdaba to Cowboy and my phone rang. We both grinned because it had to be CEB. Nope! It was Joejung.
Me: Are you calling about the Kid Rock medley?
Joejung: Kind of. Is Kid Rock's drummer a lady?
Me: Yep. Sometimes she wears big wigs like the drummer who plays for Lenny Kravitz. I think Lenny's drummer is great. And Kid Rock's band isn't too bad either.
Joejung: They look like they are actually playing. I loved how Puffy and Nelly were singing together to the canned music but they didn't have the microphones in front of their mouths.
Me: I know it! Why is Kid Rock doing songs that are five years old?
LCG: And how old is this song?
As I had been chatting with Joejung, Janet Jackson had reappeared for another song.
Me: What is this song?
Joejung: Rhythm Nation. Speaking of which, why is she here? She hasn't had a hit song in three or four years.
Me: I think the halftime show is about Star Power, and she still has Star Power. What are those? (Referring to those bumpy light-up stage decorations.) Are those latex? Is that like the art we touched that one time? (Once Joejung and I disregarded a Do Not Touch sign at the museum because we were dying to check the texture of the art.)
Joejung: I think they are balloons that are supposed to look like rocks.
Me: Oh, no. Here comes Justin Timberlake. What is he wearing?
LCG: Even Kid Rock dressed up!
And then since there was some unnecessary grinding going on, LCG went back into the kitchen and Joejung and I discussed how he was taping the halftime show for the New Guy because the New Guy was busy playing a video game.
Me: Soooo, he can't leave the game to watch this? Is it really worth taping?
Joejung: I guess so.
Then it was time for the third quarter and all at once the Party Pizzas kicked in and I was in desperate need of a nap. I got off the phone and fell asleep, waking a little after eleven, so I think the game had been over for two hours when I woke up. The phone rang but I was still freshly awakened and baffled, so I didn't answer. I tried to clear my head by watching part of Action Jackson but then wound up (for the first time ever) getting mad at VH1 Classic and I shut off the TV in an angry huff. Then I went home.
Monday I arrived at LCG's house for my carpool, and he asked me why everyone was having a fit about the halftime show. He heard that the commissioner of the NFL was upset and we didn't know why! We had watched the halftime show and hadn't seen anything. Then I finally checked my message from Joejung.
Sunday, 11:20 P.M. Hey, I guess we were gabbing way too much to notice that we missed controversy. Apparently Justin ripped off Janet's top and revealed her, you know, boob. (Snicker) Talk to you later, bye.
Yeah, how about that. I could really care less about the hubbub, I'm just glad that I have friends who are more interesting than the halftime show. Although I am enchanted with Justin Timberlake's excuse for the incident. He's calling it a wardrobe malfunction. I love that. I am going to try to use that every single day. Shoe comes untied? Wardrobe malfunction. Soda stain on my shirt? Wardrobe malfunction. I am already tired of the useless apologies for the alleged wardrobe malfunction, but I don't think I will ever get tired of my new favorite phrase.