Over the past few months so many people have written to ask what I think of The Darkness that I was ready to break down and buy the album. In fact, I tried to buy it a few weeks ago but the store didn't have the LP in stock. Not long after that, I decided to take a week off from posting new articles. I still had ideas but I didn't think they were very good so I thought it was time to spend a week watching Futurama.
Within a day of posting my declaration of intent to rest, I got an email from Megala. Subject line: Since you ran out of ideas, steal one of mine. She had written a review of Permission to Land that I could use if I liked. I read the first two and last two paragraphs, decided it was something I could use and plopped it into the edit queue.
Very soon after that, I got a special phone call from LCG. Someone he knows at the record store had an extra promotional copy of Permission To Land and he had gotten it for me. On top of that, LCG even had a spare blank cassette at his house so I was able to tape it right away. With a tape available I could take it to work and have a fairly uninterrupted listen. While making the tape I heard the first song start and I thought that it sounded very much like Faster Pussycat or L.A. Guns.
I always thought that those two bands were just regular old rock and roll bands hidden under scarves and crappy lead singers, so sounding like them is not necessarily a bad thing. I turned down the volume on the taping process so The Darkness didn't clash with the Judas Priest we were playing. (I think the Judas Priest phase is fixing to start.) So I take the tape to work with me, and it just so happened that the day I was giving The Darkness a test drive was also the day I was editing Megala's review. I tell you what, the opinions I was reading about the band did not match the opinions I was forming.
I hate Permission To Land. I hate it! I loathe it! I possibly despise it with every fiber of my being, but I still haven't decided if that is too extreme. I listened to it three or four times in a row, trying to get a feel for it and the only feeling I got was one of hate.
When LCG picked me up from work I was testy because my phone company was annoying me and my robot co-worker is a chump. He comes in at nine o'clock and tells me if I want to leave early I can. No, chump, I leave at ten. If I leave before ten I short myself on hours and it ticks off my temp agency. So, shut up. He's all, "I get out of school at nine. I guess I'll have to find something to do for an hour." Yeah, I guess you will. Ass. So robot co-worker combined with my phone company combined with an album I didn't like added up to an extra surly evening.
LCG: How was The Darkness?
Me: It sucks. No, it blows. No, IT BLOWS ASS. I HATE IT!
LCG: So I can give it back then?
Me: YES. Get rid of it. I HATE IT.
The following day when I arrived at LCG's for the happy carpool, I remembered that I wanted to tape The Number Of The Beast.
LCG: Are you going to tape over The Darkness?
Me: No, I have to listen to it a couple more times to make sure I absolutely hate it before I go around saying that it's crap.
LCG: Now, why didn't you like it?
Me: I...don't know. Probably because they were trying to be really pretentious but they don't quite pull it off so it was pretentious that they weren't pretentious.
LCG: Ah.
Me: It just sucked. I'm going to tape over it with Powerslave.
LCG: Hee! Be sure to mention that.
Me: Oh, don't you think I won't.
I took it to work and listened to it a couple of more times in an attempt to nail down why I hate it so very much. I think it's the falsetto vocals. Think back for a moment to the Kids In The Hall sketches where Scott Thompson played the Queen of England. Now think about the voice that he used when playing the Queen. Now imagine Scott Thompson as the Queen of England singing for an entire album. That is what the vocals sound like.
In fact, even though Megala issued a warning about the second track's frequent use of the phrase motherfucker, I didn't even notice the swearing until the fifth or sixth lesson. The falsetto is so overboard that I have no idea what he is saying most of the time. I think that officially makes me crusty and old. Next thing you know I will be linking to foot care web sites.
I know that people have compared Justin's voice to the one and only Freddie Mercury, but I see no reason to make the comparison. A man singing in a high register while wearing a catsuit does not automatically give him a voice like Freddie Mercury. He lacks the power, he lacks the range, and he lacks the control. I don't think he is lacking in his love for Freddie, but there is no point in comparing the two.
The music is unremarkable. It's not out-and-out terrible, nor is it memorable. Actually, the ballads are terrible because at least two of them reminded me of the song I Wanna Be With You, which was a powerfully crappy single for Pretty Boy Floyd that I'm guessing only CEB remembers. However, the uptempo numbers are pretty much generic rock and roll. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but when the band is playing standard tunes it should be up to the singer to make the difference. And the singing just isn't working out for me. In a slightly unrelated digression, I saw The Darkness interviewed on TV a few months ago and I thought they were chumps.
Memo To The Darkness: Don't be getting on the TV and telling me that your music is seventies prog-rock for today, or however it was that you phrased it. Shut up and let your record do the talking.
Anyway, back to hating The Darkness. I flipped through the CD booklet on my second day of hating them and found a picture of the guitarist applying eyeliner. Why don't I like this band? The eyeliner, the pomp, the sense of fun, all of the pieces are there. It's got to be the falsetto. Well, maybe I'll like their next album. I'm not writing them off forever, but I am certainly writing them off for now.