For me, Saturday nights are all about lounging. I do some laundry, watch four hours of Law And Order: Special Victims Unit, work on the site, and maybe do some reading. There is frequently an early evening nap in the schedule, which means I stay up even later than usual. And this past Saturday I was up way too late.
4:00 AM
Why am I not in bed yet? I have to be at the mall at one tomorrow. I mean later. Dang. Well, seven hours is plenty of sleep.
11:05 AM
Why did I think that seven hours was enough sleep? Stupid Chubby Checker and his stupid one o'clock start time. Stupid mall. I don't want to get up.
11:30 AM
I finally pried myself out of bed and was groggier than usual. I must not have had a quality sleep. Nothing like a trip to an amusement park to wake me right up! I took my phone into the bathroom with me so I would have a clock and while I was putting in my contacts my phone rang! Woo! It looked like the New Guy's number.
11:45 AM
Me: Hello!
Joejung: Hi!
Me: All set to go to the mall?
Joejung: Yeah. The New Guy's not going. He has a bad cold.
Me: Last time he had a root canal with strep throat on top of it. I think he's allergic to Chubby Checker.
JJ: Maybe!
Me: So, where is your phone?
(Long explanation of hassle with phone plans. He was without a phone that day.)
Me: Are you going to have the New Guy's phone?
JJ: No.
Me: Should we meet at Sears or Camp Snoopy or what?
JJ: I don't know. I can call you when I get there.
Me: You don't have your phone!
JJ: I'll use a pay phone. They still exist, right?
Me: Hee! I believe they do!
JJ: So, what time?
Me: 12:30?
JJ: Okay.
Me: I should go. I have to cut my bangs before I shower. I'm starting to look like the sheepdog from the Warner Brothers cartoons. I can't see out my hair anymore.
JJ: Okay, see you at 12:30.
12:15 PM
Left the house. I have this tendency to think that I live fifteen minutes away from everything which means I also have this tendency to be late. With Chubby Checker only slated to perform two songs I didn't have much room for error.
12:35 PM
When I was a kid 35W was a convenient thoroughfare even at rush hour. Nowadays there is stop and go traffic all the time, including Sunday afternoons. I was stuck in traffic, secretly hoping that all of the traffic was headed for Camp Snoopy. Then I started wondering if I am the biggest jerk in the world for carrying on this Chubby Checker Mania. At least it makes CEB laugh.
12:45 PM
I turned into the first available parking ramp and it was the Macy's ramp. I always park on the Sears side of the mall! That wasn't my ramp! I like Sears because I feel secure knowing that there is a department store in this world where I could buy a refrigerator, lawn mower, and unda-pants all in one trip if I so chose.
There were dudes directing parking traffic! The first four levels were full. Have I ever been to the Mall Of America at that time of day? I had never seen a parking flurry like that. I parked on Level 5 and had to run down two flights of stairs to get to the walkway to Macy's.
12:52 PM
Ran through Macy's. Slowed to a walk after realizing that I was running through Macy's to get to Camp Snoopy to see Chubby Checker. Wondered some more about how big a jerk I have become.
12:54 PM
Followed the signs to Camp Snoopy even though I know where it is. Ran down the steps from the second floor into the amusement park and looked confused. I saw no signs pointing me to Chubby Checker. I figured I should stop and listen for the hubbub. As it turns out, there is all kinds of white noise in Camp Snoopy caused by ordinary amusement park hubbub. I started walking along a path while listening for clues.
12:55 PM
I thought I heard a guy speaking into a microphone and it didn't sound like prerecorded safety warnings for rides.
Success!
There was a man on a stage just up ahead. I leaned up against a railing under a roller coaster track. Off to the right I took note of Snoopy. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, which means he shops at the same store as Geoff Tate. The man on the stage (possibly a local DJ?) seemed to be running some sort of trivia contest.
Alleged Disc Jockey: ...and what were they doing?
I don't know!
ADJ: Dancing...
Oh, no. I bet they were dancing apart to the beat. According to Chubby Checker's web site he pioneered dancing apart to the beat. Sometimes I think I know what that means, and sometimes I think it's a little too abstract.
ADJ: ...they were dancing apart...
In my head I was screaming, "The beat! They were dancing apart to the beat!" but I was concerned that it was a trivia contest and the prize was meeting Chubby Checker. I am far too big a jerk to ever meet Chubby Checker.
ADJ: (pointing at audience member)...to the beat! That's right!
And then he mumbled something about Chubby Checker. I think he was issuing a prize for winning trivia. I have no freaking idea. I was surrounded by ride noise which echoes off the ceiling four stories above so it was not the ideal situation in which to hear a man speaking through what I think must have been some small speakers.
12:57 PM
Looked over shoulder for Joejung. Spied middle aged guy with Chubby Checker LP. Looked over shoulder for Joejung.
12:58 PM
Looked over shoulder for Joejung. Felt like a jerk with a notebook. Looked over shoulder for Joejung and saw Chubby Checker being escorted to the stage by two cops. Or maybe they were mall security. All I know is, he had more security at the mall than he did at the Taste Of Minnesota. Chubby was wearing a nice pair of black slacks and a Camp Snoopy t-shirt.
1:00 PM
My phone rang. 952 area code. It had to be Joejung at a pay phone.
Me: Hello?!
JJ: Where are you?
Me: Under a roller coaster. Um. Uh. Do you know the Kite Eating Tree? I think that's what it's called. That swing ride?
JJ: Yeah!
Me: I am on the path. That ride is on my right and um, I'm under some roller coaster track.
JJ: Okay, be right there.
And then Chubby Checker was introduced and the dancers who were supposed to surround him and do the Twist also came out. They were little kids. Like children's choirs, dancing children are best if they are far away from me. To be fair, they looked to be preteens. And I don't think they knew how to do the Twist.
Chubby started singing The Twist, and the lyrics had been changed to suit the occasion. As in, "Come on baby, do the Timberland Twist." I distinctly felt the onset of depression. I missed Joejung. Off to my right and Chubby Checker's left, the Peanuts gang was on the platform of the new roller coaster. Snoopy was doing the Twist. I secretly hoped that the Snoopy costume contained a teenaged reader because that would be really funny.
1:02 PM
There were people all over the place holding up digital cameras over the heads of the crowd to snap pictures of Chubby Checker. I was without LCG's digital camera and that was just fine. I didn't want this event captured on film. It was depressing. Behind me, someone made a phone call.
Some Guy: Do you hear that? It's Chubby Checker! (pause) The real Chubby Checker! He's down at the mall to open the new roller coaster. All the news stations are here.
I looked over yonder, and sure enough there were about three or four news cameras set up near the stage. (I tell you, the news stations are bored around here. I am now surer than ever that I could get them to cover my one person Doors protest.)
That guy on the phone got off the phone and started talking to some kid. I think it was his kid. He told her that it was Chubby Checker and she said, "No way!" and then started hopping up and down to get a better view. I moved out of her way. Of course, I could barely see so I'm sure it didn't help. I was just glad that a kid that looked to be about eleven knew who Chubby Checker was.
1:03 PM
I overheard someone talking about how Chubby Checker was at the Taste Of Minnesota last year and felt like a jerk some more. I was still periodically looking over my shoulder for Joejung, there were cops in my eyeshot and I felt like a suspicious jerk. And then Joejung arrived. Whew!
1:04 PM
Chubby Checker: Ready? Let's twist again!
I don't know if he was introducing the song or giving an order. Or both. By then Snoopy was holding onto his ears and twisting. I remember it as being cute but in my notebook it says Urge to tackle Snoopy. Maybe it wore thin really fast.
1:07 PM
And the song ended and the Alleged Disc Jockey thanked everybody for coming. Chubby was ushered out through the crowd and that was that. Seven minutes. I just stood there looking baffled. Then I tried to talk to a reader but was too busy being baffled. She had written to tell me that she had a friend from England coming to town and had been going to be at the mall anyway. You know, to show him a scary example of America.
I had told her that I have no fashion sense and a leather jacket with Iron Maiden buttons. I figured that was a clear enough description to find me in a Chubby Checker crowd. And find me she did! She arrived before Joejung even and we all stood around looking baffled. Afterwards the guest from England said, "You know what's surreal? I was in London yesterday morning. I came here for this! And now it's over." Hee-hee!
1:12 PM
I got the phone call to go sign a lease and had to pleasantly explain that I couldn't be there until two because I was at the Mall Of America. Like a jackass I added, "Because Chubby Checker was here." I'm surprised he rented me an apartment. Said goodbye to the readers and took off.
On my way back up 35W I thought about the no-shows. I had expected the Mustachioed Drummer and Junior, as well as CEB. I was going to call CEB on my way to the mall but had to pay attention to driving in the traffic jam and didn't want to be on the phone. I called him on my way home.
CEB: Hello!
Me: Seven minutes.
CEB: What?
Me: Seven minutes!
CEB: Seven minutes what?
Me: Chubby Checker played for seven minutes.
CEB: I totally forgot that was today!
I filled him in on Snoopy's Hawaiian shirt and Chubby Checker's outfit and how I didn't really want to even bother writing it up because it was too depressing and I am a big jerk. But then the next day I got word of Chubby Checker's protest and as far as I was concerned, he was fair game once again.