I should be angry right now. So very, very angry. Instead, I'm just feeling resigned to the fact that no one is policing the use of the Queen catalog. I guess technically I am policing the use of the Queen catalog, but only after the damage has been done. Why doesn't someone in a position of authority in the Queen organization stop what is going on?
True story that really happened: I got home from work on Saturday morning and instead of going straight to bed I checked my email. Huge mistake. One of my emails was indirectly responsible for making me dream that Bruce Dickinson's photo was on a line of frozen entrees. But I'm getting ahead of myself. This helpful reader was just trying to keep me informed, and I had to find out sometime.
Subject: William Hung to record 'We are the Champions'
Nooooooo!
Whyyyy?
Khaaaaaaaaaan!
But the saddest part of the morning is that I wasn't surprised. There was a time not so long ago when this sort of thing would have surprised me. The article link I was sent didn't go into much detail, so against all better judgement I went to the William Hung web site. Ouch.
I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I strongly dislike William Hung. Not William Hung the person, William Hung the media sensation. I had written that up as a brief digression in another article, but I think it was deleted in the final edit because I couldn't find it. The fact that William Hung's album debuted at number thirty-four really irritates me. I think it was thirty-four, I did the research for the deleted digression a few weeks ago. And LCG! He is what is known as no help at all.
Me: I hate William Hung!
LCG: (begin Butthead-style sincere voice) But he's just following his dream.
Me: I hate you too.
LCG: He is an inspiration for us all. (end Butthead-style sincere voice)
Me: Shut. Up.
LCG: You know he's got inspirational messages between songs, right?
Me: (through gritted teeth) I. Know.
LCG: He wants you to follow your dream.
Me: HE'S AN ENGINEERING STUDENT!
LCG: Who is just following his dream.
One time LCG tried to tell me that the popularity of William Hung is like this generation's Kung Fu Fighting but I begged to differ. If William Hung wants to be a novelty act he can record a tune and distribute it himself. That's how it used to work. And, by the way, it turned out okay for Weird Al. In the meantime, some bunghole is actively marketing William Hung and his album is almost at the 100,000 mark. There can't be 100,000 people buying it as a gag gift, can there? We'll just pretend that is what is happening.
Anyway.
I went to William Hung's web site. I will give you the link to the We Are The Champions item, but according to the Rocksnobs Fair Warning Act That I Just Made Up, I have to warn you that it sucks. It would not surprise me if it made even the toughest Queen fan cry. If you dare, here it is. If you don't want to go (and trust me, you don't) I will tell you what I saw. There is some info on when and where the video will debut, and there are a couple of still shots from the video.
William Hung is wearing a Freddie Mercury-style catsuit.
And not just any Freddie Mercury-style catsuit. A Harlequin patterned suit like the one Freddie was wearing in the video for We Are The Champions. I hope to never see the William Hung video, but even knowing it exists makes me long for those tasteful Viagra commercials. At least those give LCG and me opportunity to make wiener champion jokes. If you put your mind to it, you can work wiener champion into conversation a lot.
I think it goes without saying that William Hung is not fit to sing We Are The Champions, and is even less fit to wear a Freddie Mercury costume. No one should be wearing a Freddie Mercury costume! I can only think of two vocalists who are fit to try. Please pretend to be surprised when Bruce Dickinson is one of them.
When I was coming up with this very short list, I first considered the singers that I like. Then I narrowed it down to those who could handle the range Freddie used in We Are The Champions, and I came up with two people. Bruce Dickinson and Ann Wilson. Of the two, I lean toward Ann Wilson as the best bet. She has proven she can sing in that soft-yet-crystal-clear range, and then totally kick ass when the music starts to rock. Bruce Bruce, I don't know how great the quiet intro would be, but I'm guessing he could make it work. But these two are the only ones who are fit to sing that song. I also think they are fit to wear the jumpsuit.
Except...well, Ann would need a different cut on her suit. That chest opening on the suit is pretty wide and no one is going to pay attention to her awesome singing if they are getting flashed. And Bruce is a sweaty, hairy fellow. If that suit didn't breathe well we would be treated to bonus sweat and that might also be an unfortunate distraction. Besides, he has his own Harlequin patterned tights. He wore them in the video for The Trooper and they are better because they are colorful. And really, if I want to see him in an outfit that is both unflattering and leaves nothing to the imagination, I will go watch Live After Death. Maybe I'll just shorten the list to Ann Wilson.
I came up with this list as I was trying to go to sleep on Saturday morning and as a result I dreamed that I was at the grocery store and saw Bruce Dickinson on frozen entrees. He was in a Freddie Mercury pose wearing a hideous crocheted red tank top. I think I bought two. Although this may not be entirely the fault of William Hung. The other day I was thinking about how much I miss Linda McCartney's frozen dinners. Joejung and me had a big Linda McCartney frozen dinner phase. I don't know if they are still available anywhere, but I haven't seen them in my town's "better supermarkets" in years.
Anyway, I woke up all ticked off about the William Hung situation. She Bangs is one thing. Go ahead, cover a Ricky Martin song. He was in Menudo for goodness sakes. Actually, I like Ricky Martin. At least the Ricky Martin persona that shows up for interviews. He seems pleasant. But I'm still mad about Livin' La Vida Loca, which goes through my head more often than I would like.
Lately there is a wicked chain reaction whenever I hear someone say William Hung. I think, "She Bangs. Ricky Martin." Then the horn-based part of Livin' La Vida Loca starts up in my head and I get all snitty because that song was co-written by Desmond Child. As long as I was in a Desmond Child snit the other morning I decided to see who wrote She Bangs. Yep. Co-written by Desmond Child. So that means not only did William Hung become famous for sucking, his fame is generating royalties for my nemesis.
But if William Hung is going to remain famous, he should stick to songs from the Desmond Child school. Then he will just be slaughtering formulaic claptrap, and that will keep the gag gift crowd happy without destroying any classics in the process.