I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I made it to the Vince Neil concert on Friday night and he was sober. Don't worry, it was still good fun but I thought I should give fair warning right up front. The drunken antics we love to love were nowhere in evidence. But that's okay, because there is always some kind of hilarity at a Vince Neil show.
So we did manage to get there, but we were quite late. Dave Chappelle was on for at least an hour so we didn't even get out of the theater until almost ten o'clock, which was when Vince was supposed to go on. Instead of heading straight to the next show we did it Vince-style and stopped off so LCG could have another cocktail, then we left downtown. We got to the venue and the first thing LCG noticed was the Winnebago in the parking lot.
LCG: Ooh! Ooh! Winnebago! Winnebago! Please tell me that is Vince's Winnebago. Please, please tell me that Vince is touring in a Winnebago.
Me: Do you see a bus?
LCG: No!
Me: It could be in the back.
LCG: I hope not!
Me: Hee! Me too.
The doors to the bar were all open and we could hear music but I couldn't tell if it was Vince or not. We parked in the overflow lot and as we walked in LCG said, "That's fat ass Vince Neil all right." He was in the middle of Looks That Kill. Nothing like a set full of Mötley Crüe songs to make sure people turn up. After the song he told the crowd how much they kicked ass, etc. and then went into Dr. Feelgood.
Me: Oh, I'm going to need a cocktail to get through this.
LCG: What do you want?
Me: Uhhhhhhh.
LCG: Hurry up!
Me: I was just trying to think what Vince would drink. (Which is a modification of a funny CEB joke. And since I had a one drink limit I had to make it a good one.) Um...
LCG: I'm just going to get you a gin and juice.
Me: Woo-hoo!
He walked off and I turned to follow him but I got shooed away.
LCG: You! Go watch!
Me: But it hurts!
I turned back to the stage and watched in awe as Vince produced all of the words to Dr. Feelgood. He wasn't out of breath, he wasn't drunk. He appeared lucid and he kept smiling. Smithers, why were his teeth showing like that?
Me: Look! He's wearing a gold chain!
LCG: Oh, no.
Me: And he knows all the words to Dr. Feelgood!
LCG: No, he doesn't.
Me: Yuh-huh!
LCG: You are giving him too much credit. That last line all he could come up with was mumble mumble Shangri-La. He does not know the song.
Me: He knows more of it than he did last time!
LCG: True.
I was just shocked because he wasn't drunk and he wasn't having the crowd do most of the singing. In my mind that translated to he knows all of Dr. Feelgood. LCG says that Vince did not and I think he was being more objective. I was just standing there thinking, "I got no material! Did Vince read my article?"
But then we noticed the cameras. The show was being filmed and LCG realized that it probably was associated with the reality makeover show that is going to be about Vince. Suddenly it became clear. One of the objectives of the show is for him to quit drinking. And even if that isn't working, he is apparently smart enough to not go onstage drunk when it is going to be on national television.
Another part of that reality show is Vince getting into shape with a trainer. While he is still a little stout, he isn't the sloppy mess that he was two years ago. He looked...almost healthy. His hair (no sparkly headband) was neatly trimmed and he was sporting a smart goatee.
LCG: Did he...did he dye his facial hair?
Me: No way! Ever check out his roots? That blond is not meant to be. I'm sure that facial hair is natural.
LCG: It would be funnier if he dyed it.
Me: (sigh) I know.
Then we turned our attention to his bass player. I think that Nikki Sixx left a cigarette butt in an ashtray at Vince's house and Vince used the DNA to clone him. Vince's bass player has got all of Nikki's moves as well as the same hairdo. On closer inspection (when he tossed his hair back, I wasn't getting anywhere near that stage) he is not as handsome as Nikki Sixx, but from a distance he's a pretty good substitute.
After Dr. Feelgood Vince did the usual thank you, good night and he and the band left the stage. Fortunately they came back (Vince had a beer, maybe it's just hard liquor that is off limits) for the longest encore in the history of the world. Or at least in the history of Vince Neil's solo career. The first song of the encore was Teaser and they worked in a five-to-ten minute long instrumental break, which included the highlight of LCG's evening.
There is no faster way to make LCG laugh than to show him Vince Neil with a guitar. Midway through Teaser, a roadie with a guitar appeared at the side of the stage and had LCG's mouth been full, a spit take would have occurred.
LCG: Oh, no.
Me: I see it!
LCG: I think that Vince is about to be handed a guitar.
Me: I think that you are right!
LCG: Right now that guy is saying, "Now Vince, this is a guitar. It has six strings. Just hold it like this and strum occasionally."
After three token strums, Vince started tossing picks into the crowd.
Me: Does he only have that guitar so he can throw picks?
LCG: (with so much glee) Yes! Yes, he does.
This whole time, the loooong instrumental break was going on. And then Vince went off to the side of the stage.
LCG: I think! he's! going! to (snicker) get more picks!
Me: Did he run out already?
LCG: He must have. Look! He did get more picks!
So Vince chucked out a boatload more picks, and handed a couple to various ladies who were sitting on people's shoulders up front. He even had a couple in his mouth and there isn't enough money in the world to get me to take one of those. Unless of course I had antibacterial wipes in my purse and since I don't carry a purse I'd have to refuse a spit pick.
Teaser finally came to an end and they started the final song. You know what it was. Do I even have to say? Yep, it was Live Wire. And Vince sounded just fine. Not quite Too Fast For Love caliber, but far better than he was last time. I feel like I was somehow foiled by Vince Neil. But now that I know that he isn't predictable after all, I will have to keep attending his concerts to see which Vince shows up that night.