I've always wanted a subscription to Billboard magazine. I probably don't need a subscription to Billboard magazine but I think it's a necessary accessory for a crazy music person's desk. I would like to be a crazy music person so therefore I need Billboard. Every record store I have ever worked in always had a subscription to Billboard because it was a good emergency tool.
In this case the definition of emergency is extremely relative, but sometimes a customer would come in asking for "that song that's always on the radio." Uh-huh. We would have to start a game of twenty questions. If we could narrow it down to say, a female vocalist, we would then browse the Billboard chart. Christina Aguilera? No, she sounds more like Celine Dion than Christina. Okay...
Eventually we would figure it out, all thanks to Billboard. Then the magazine would go back to the desk of the crazy person who had supplied it in the first place. Since I want to be Steve Waits, the record mogul played by Paul Sand in Can't Stop The Music starring Village People, I obviously need Billboard. And a wicker chair. And a perm. Not that I want to be a record mogul (or get a perm) but Steve Waits is one of the best crazy music people every portrayed on screen.
No matter how fun I think it would be to have Billboard around, there are two things that keep me from subscribing. No, three. First of all, it is about three hundred dollars a year. Sure, it's a weekly and worth every penny for up-to-the-minute news, but do I really need everything Billboard has to offer? I'm not so sure about that. Second, I'll lay odds that the magazine wouldn't even end up on my desk. It would probably get tossed on the floor and then I would have my cat charging full speed towards the magazine and skidding across the carpet, because suddenly Billboard would only exist to be used as a kitty surfboard. (Repeat constantly.)
Most of all, I don't know if I want sadness delivered to my door each week. Every day I check the music news in my ongoing (and misguided) effort to stay current, and the news always makes me tired. All I ask for is tour, album, and personnel information for a broad range of artists. I'll pretty much read any news available, because you never know when Bret Michaels is going to switch genres, but most of the news is useless.
Just the other day I learned about the child support issues of one Sean Combs/Sean "Puffy" Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy. In the music section. Not the entertainment/gossip section. The music section. They didn't even use the topic as some sort of segue into album news. It was just a child support story. Then of course there is the constant barrage of information about Ashlee Simpson.
First she was just Jessica Simpson's younger sister who was about to release an album. Oh yeah, and she had a show on the MTV. Next thing I know, Ashlee Simpson has the number one record in the country and I'm still trying to figure out why she is popular and what is up with that -ee suffix. Then I start seeing articles about Ryan Cabrera. I don't know who that is, but the news services helpfully pointed out that he is Ashlee Simpson's ex-boyfriend. That doesn't help me.
I have finally seen them both on TV because a couple of weeks ago I made a special effort to get up early and go watch cable at LCG's house. In three days I had gotten three emails about the new Velvet Revolver video and I was hoping to have a look. Instead I got some sort of top ten countdown and a Ryan Cabrera video. "Who is that?" said LCG. I was able to let him know that he is Ashlee's ex-boyfriend but they are on good terms so Ashlee and Jessica's dad is still his manager. "And why do you know this?" Exactly!
If I had a subscription to Billboard I would probably know even more because at three hundred dollars a year you can be sure I would read every single printed word in the magazine. I don't know if I want to know more. It's been some time since I've had the opportunity to read Billboard, I can't remember if the articles have more range in the print version. I'm thinking it does cover a wider scope and that means I just might cave one of these days, because I am especially tired of hearing about Paris Hilton's upcoming album.
Fine, she wants to work. I have no problem with that, but why must she tamper in that domain? Isn't the career as an author enough? Why do I even know the name Paris Hilton? I live in the Midwest. We don't have socialites in the Twin Cities. Our local paper has a gossip column and that never fails to crack me up because the gossip is almost always about Prince, or local news anchors or Jimmy Jam. And Jimmy Jam is leaving town! Soon it will just be all Prince, all the time. Point being, we don't have many socialites around these parts and now we have socialite gossip imported.
Oh, well. If I'm stuck knowing who Paris Hilton is, at least I can get some enjoyment from the situation. You've heard about the Paris Hilton-Haylie Duff feud, no? Wait. You've heard of Haylie Duff, no? I hadn't until about two months ago so here's the briefest of all summaries: she's the older (and as the news likes to say, less famous) sister of Hilary Duff. Of course, not so long ago I had no idea who Hilary Duff was either. I had a hard time grasping the idea of a famous Duff that wasn't dear old Duff McKagan.
Anyway! Paris Hilton and Haylie Duff are at war. Both of them have recorded the same song for their upcoming albums and they both want to release it as a single. They are currently duking it out over who has the right to release the song. This is what constitutes a music feud these days. Give me Ray and Dave Davies fighting on stage any day. By the way, Dave Davies is currently recovering from a stroke! Give him some press. Apparently, there is still no time for the Davies brothers.
So both Paris and Haylie want to release the song and I'm wondering, why don't they both just release the song? There were two versions of Billy, Don't Be A Hero released within seven days of one another. Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods beat out poor Paper Lace, but fortunately they hit the charts with The Night Chicago Died a few months later. (The info in the previous two sentences brought to you by K-tel. I found it in my heartthrob liner notes.)
I happen to think that two versions of Billy, Don't Be A Hero are two versions too many, but maybe the current song under debate is better. It can't be any worse than Black Velvet. There were two versions of that song too. As it took off on the rock charts for Alannah Myles, it was charting on the country side of things for a different artist. Who that country artist was I cannot recall because I thought the song was terrible and I didn't want to listen to either version.
There are plenty of examples of multiple versions of songs being on the charts (it was especially prevalent in the early sixties) but I can't offhand remember any others. I think that the Black Velvet example is prime for this situation though, because the two versions of the song were very similar. Therefore, even if Paris and Haylie have identical versions of the disputed song they should both go ahead and release the single. Let the fight end on the Billboard charts! Of course if both Paris Hilton and Haylie Duff end up on the Billboard charts, that will be the fourth and final reason to not subscribe.