Tomorrow is a big day for rock and roll music, because Elvis Presley is turning seventy. I have no suggestions for celebrating his birthday; it wouldn't be practical to attempt a list since there are so many different types of Elvis fans. I come from an any Elvis is good Elvis family so I don't have a preference. I like all versions of Elvis. Sometimes I think I prefer fresh-from-driving-truck Elvis but then again, I do love rhinestones. I could never decide so I have stopped trying. However, there are folks who like young Elvis and folks who like older Elvis. Some love the movies, some do not.
Still others are wondering why I said that Elvis is turning seventy in the present tense. As it happens, I am one of those people who thinks Elvis is alive. Or, if you prefer, I am one of those people. That's okay, I'm used to getting grief over this so don't let me stop you from rolling your eyes. Roll your eyes all you want, but please keep in mind that I mean no disrespect to Mr. Presley or his fans that might take offense. People usually don't take offense though, they just make fun.
Sample conversation from last spring:
Me: I think the Wild can still make the playoffs.
LCG: Yeah, you also think Elvis is alive.
Me: Shut up. He is.
Sample conversation from this summer:
LCG: There's going to be an NHL lockout.
Me: There is not!
LCG: Yeah, you also think Elvis is alive.
Me: Shut up. He totally is.
Still, who bought me a copy of the Weekly World News a few weeks ago because Elvis was on the cover? LCG, although he did roll his eyes when he handed it to me. I love the Weekly World News because they also subscribe to the Elvis-is-alive theory. Of course, the theory is so full of holes that Mr. Spock would not even listen to me if I tried to present it to him. I don't have enough facts. I mainly believe Elvis is alive because I want him to be alive. I'm sure I'll never be lucky enough to see him at the mall but I do like to think that right now Elvis is fixing to have a nice slice of birthday cake.
I should really read up on the Elvis conspiracy but I don't know where to start. I just read in the Rolling Stone Encyclopedia of Rock and Roll that in the United States alone, over three hundred books about Elvis have been published. This is a problem as far as I am concerned because once there are that many resources available it becomes more difficult to separate truth from fiction. It's like trying to learn about Syd Barrett but instead of a lack of information there is too much information.
As far as my theory goes, I like to stay with the classic argument. His middle name is spelled incorrectly on his headstone. It says Elvis Aaron Presley because Elvis Aron Presley isn't buried there! I first had this conversation with my dad when I was about fourteen and I have stuck with it ever since. Of course there are the eyewitness reports from the visitation that guests were shuttled through quickly so no one would notice that the Elvis in the coffin was made of wax.
I occasionally pick up fresh information to add to my conspiracy pile, but nothing beats the new stuff I got from my parents last year. They were watching one of their news programs and they saw Elvis' psychiatrist. The one he went to in the 1980s. YES! That is what I am talking about. He brought pictures! Sure, in these modern times any jackass can modify photos (well, not me-I have no skill in this area) but what could be better than a fiftyish Elvis peeking out the back door of Graceland at the tourists? I wish I had seen the program. At least my parents were kind enough to pass along the story.
In the long run, it doesn't really matter one way or the other. I just want Elvis to be alive because if he is, he has managed to pull off the greatest disappearing act in the history of American entertainment. I like to think about Elvis making his elaborate plans since this went off without a hitch. First, why did he do it? Was he tired of performing? Did he need to wean himself off the drugs? Did he think he had to stop performing before he could stop taking drugs? Or did he just want to retire? After twenty years of working in music and films, maybe he was worn out. It's possible that he realized he was a living legend and if he tried to retire he would still be hounded constantly with comeback offers. Nothing like faking your own death to make sure the phone stops ringing.
Actually, I'm not even that interested in the why. There are plenty of reasons why Elvis would do such a thing. My real interest is the how. I would love to know how many people know the secret. One? Two? I'm sure Lisa Marie and Priscilla don't know, but there has to be a lawyer somewhere who knows the secret. I'm sure a plan like this needed some legal assistance. Elvis probably told a friend, but which one? Who knows where Elvis is? Someone has to know and I hope to someday find out what really happened.
I would hope that Elvis is still in the South somewhere, having a marvelous and well-deserved extended vacation. And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, no big deal. I've had my fun and we all have his music. Just in case though: Happy Birthday Elvis!