Article Disclaimer: This very special episode of Rocksnobs is turning out to be extra special because it's going to be three parts instead of the two I had originally scheduled. Here's the deal: my day job is about ninety-nine percent numeric data entry. Today I busted ass for no particular reason and now my right hand hurts.
I have a quota to make (although these days it's called a production standard) and every so often I see how hard I can smash my personal best. Today was one of those days and as I tried to finish up the review it hurt to type. I had this much done already, so I lopped off the last few paragraphs and now I have the start to part three. Unlike part one, this has little to no swearing. The really heavy cussing is slated for part three. Ready? Steady. Go!
I think the curtain came up, then there was a roar of motorcycles. It's entirely possible that the roar preceded the curtain. Once the curtain was up again, Mötley Crüe arrived on motorcycles. Well, seventy-five percent of Mötley Crüe arrived on motorcycles. Mick sort of stood off to one side and looked on. I thought he looked amused but I could have been misreading. I just hope he didn't feel left out. I saw that Mick was walking a little slower than he had been.
Girls, Girls, Girls
More acrobat stuff, it was better at the Cher concert. Cher also had the acrobats on metal rings, but their routines were more elaborate because they filled the time during costume changes. One of the girls appeared to be almost nude with latex glued onto her strategically. Then I noticed she was wearing a full body suit and I was relieved. No chance of her popping out of anything during her routine, she was well covered. At least her body was. Mötley Crüe did not have crash pads for their acrobats. Cher did.
Otto Blast
Wild Side
Mick was deteriorating rapidly before my eyes. He was starting to hunch over and his walking was morphing into hobbling.
Suddenly, without fair warning, Vince was holding an acoustic guitar. And something else, I can't read what it says. That is sad, because it's probably a fashion commentary. Moustache? Mime? Tambourine? (Okay, that last one was wishful thinking-it's an M word. Or a W.)
Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)
Time for some more nicotine gum, in the meantime another Otto Blast wafted past.
When I was digging in my pocket for my gum, Mick came over to our side of the stage (we were on Nikki's side) and I was so pleased! When he walked back across the stage he was very hunched over and then Nikki Sixx did something that almost made me like him. He crouched over and did that rock star walk you can see in Bon Jovi videos (I think it's Livin' On A Prayer) and walked along behind Mick. It looked to me like he was trying to minimize the fact that Mick wasn't doing well and I thought that was terrific. Everyone likes Mick Mars.
Primal Scream
They were running nature films behind the drum kit. Kitties! (Well, lions.) My back started hurting because I get a sore back if I stand still in my jacket for too long. Later on Jeff J. asked if that wasn't just part of being thirty now. I said, nope, the jacket has been giving me backache since I bought it at age nineteen. Either way, I was thinking, "My back hurts," and then decided I was a huge complainer because look at Mick Mars. That is someone with back pain. Mine can be cured by taking off my jacket. Or sitting down. Or shifting my weight to another foot, and that is without the benefit of orthopedic platform shoes.
So, when I was watching the hyenas on the big screen someone jumped on stage and headed for Mick. I didn't see it; Jeff J. told me about it. I heard later from CEB that Richie Cunningham could see the security guys backstage and they were roughing him up. He must have been on Mick's side of the stage, CEB was over on the Nikki side like us.
Someone in the band then declared that it was, "just like old times." Well, yes, except for the fact that they were not high and don't like each other. If you ignore that, it's just like old times.
Mini-me! It says that Vince has Mini-me and an acoustic guitar. Right before Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) the midget in their troupe came onstage dressed as Vince. Whew. Mystery solved.
Glitter
I had to look up this song title, I didn't know it.
Without You
Home Sweet Home
Me: I thought we were going to get out of here without Home Sweet Home!
Jeff J.: I like how they're putting all the ballads in a medley. Consolidating them.
Even though I'm not a medley fan, this one was just what the doctor feelgood ordered. I didn't think I could get through the entire song Home Sweet Home. It's not horrible, it's just so very overplayed. I'm not a big fan of rock ballads anyway. In the meantime, Nikki acknowledged the I Love Nikki sign in the crowd. I enjoyed that, but then had a sinking feeling when I realized there was still a drum solo on the way. Oh, no. I had read very bad things about the drum solo in the Madison Square Garden review. The reviewer compared Tommy to a sugared up three-year-old.
Then I saw some more forced camaraderie and I made a note, feeling just like Elaine's doctor on Seinfeld. Remember when she would say something and the doctor would give her a look and make a note on her chart? I kept doing that any time I caught Nikki and Vince pretending to be friends. I'm not buying it. Then I spied the keyboard behind Tommy's drums when he played the end of Home Sweet Home. That wily fellow! I thought we were going to avoid the song because I saw no keyboard. It was hidden!
From the notes:
Me: What's going on there?
Jeff J.: Nothing good.
Me: It's Art!
I think that had something to do with the acrobats. I'm thinking it was some sort of living sculpture thing.
Otto Blast
Blowtorch
Uh-oh. I had also read about this. Nikki takes a solo and one of the dancers does obscene looking things with a blowtorch. I just hope she had on asbestos unda-pants, that's all I probably need to say. And the solo! It wasn't a bass solo, not that I want to see a bass solo EVER. Okay, I wouldn't mind a Les Claypool bass solo, and if the guitar magazines weren't lying to me I guess a Jaco Pastorius bass solo would be a very fine thing.
Even a Nikki Sixx bass solo would have been preferable to his mad scientist turn at the keyboards. He was wearing an outfit that he totally stole from Trent Reznor when Trent went to get some more Triscuits, standing on a circular platform banging away on the keyboards and making theatrical gestures. The keyboard was on a tilt and swivel stand just like the dude from Guns N' Roses, and I thought that was bad enough. Then he crossed the line.
Me: Did I just see unacceptable use of a theremin? What would Brian Wilson say?
Jeff J.: (shaking his head) So inappropriate.
To be continued...