Article Disclaimer: This very special episode of Rocksnobs is finally coming to a close. Today's item contains bonus blue language and you will notice that I have censored a few words by cutting out some letters. That is because if someone is searching for those topics I don't want this site to be the destination, unless they happen to be doing a search for Hogan's Heroes.
Anyway. If you are new to the program I give you part one, the intermission, and part two. Otherwise we are all set. Ready? Steady. Go!
When we last left the Mötley Crüe story, Nikki Sixx was taking an ill-advised keyboard solo. The solo ended with sparks showering down on him from the rigging. Following the pyro theme, more went off just in time for...
Dr. Feelgood
I'm not crazy about this album, but I love the song. Vince doesn't seem to like the song as much as I do. He looked downright bored and was singing every other word. I looked in CEB's direction at the first missed word and CEB was beaming. I saw him say something to his friend and I just knew it was the same thing he was saying to me three years ago. "He doesn't know the lyrics!"
Nikki, I noted, was wearing a hat that looked like it could have gone with the Th-rd Re-ch costume that got them in trouble. Did you hear about that? You wouldn't have unless you read the book, I'm guessing. That's where I found out about it. For one of their records, it may have been Generation Swine, they dressed up like N-zis. They were trying to say something, I don't remember what their message was. I just thought they were saying they were stupid.
The record company said, "Oh, uh-uh. We don't THINK so." That gave Nikki a chance to bitch about censorship but I must say, seeing the photo of him in his little N-zi outfit pissed me off. Oh, then it worked? You were going for that? Fuck off, Sixx. The fact that I saw him in person wearing a Re-ch-ish hat made me irate.
I decided to stop glowering at Nikki and have a closer look at Vince. He still looks made over, so maybe the things he learned on VH1 stuck. He had no waist but I believe that was the fault of his trousers. He was wearing the waist on his pants very low so he looked a little stout. I think it was an optical illusion and not a flashback to girdle-needing Vince.
Otto Blast
Oh, no.
Drum Solo
Otto Blast
From the notes: He was just shaking his groove thing.
Tommy shook his butt and it was a terrible thing to see. He has no butt! He weighs five pounds! Anyway, I can't tell you how awful the drum solo was. His awkward little dance was actually better than the solo. Of course, before the solo he had to say something stupid. He walked to the edge of the stage with a bottle of something and proposed a toast. "To our wives and girlfriends. I hope they never, ever meet." I hope someday my foot meets his shins.
First off, he did a solo at his regular spot. He has a couple of drum pads that produce samples when struck so he messed up a perfectly fine hard hitting drum solo by using them. Then he was attached to a cable so he could be lifted to one of the drum kits over the stage. Yes, one of the kits. He had a platform on either side of the stage, each with a different drum setup. When he arrived at the first one, he had no sticks. No techs came to his rescue so he just went over to the other platform.
On the other platform he was playing drums to a rave-sounding background track. I'm not the last word on rave music, but it sounded like the music playing when Brandon Walsh went to that rave on 90210. He then went back to the first platform but he had forgotten to bring sticks along so he played with his hands for a bit and then finally came back down to the stage. He walked up to the edge of the stage and announced that he had one word for us. Just one? I'm dumb is two words. Oh, the word was love. He had love for us. Super.
Same Ol' Situation
The rest of the band came back out and Vince had a leopard print Les Paul. Why would you do that to a Les Paul? Why not a black Les Paul with a leopard print strap? Oh, well. It was promptly forgotten once I noticed Nikki's costume change. He was wearing a new outfit that had a red armband. How about that. His little N-zi outfit had also had a red armband. There was a logo on the armband and I was straining and craning and couldn't see what it was but if it was a sw-st-ka I'm pissed.
Actually, since it was red and worn with a leather trenchcoat it didn't even really need a sw-st-ka, it evoked the image and that was enough for me. In my mind I thought, "If only I was close enough to knock him down and holler Sixx you c-cksucker!" I could probably get in one shot before getting my ass kicked by Mötley Crüe. I think we all know that Tommy isn't above hitting a girl. Anyway, I don't know if I could even knock him down in the first place. He's got over a foot in height on me plus boots plus he got stocky at some point plus I was too far away. It was still a satisfying mental image.
Someone in the band asked, "You know why we're here, don't you?"
To make some dough?
I don't remember what the actual answer was. Probably, "Woo! We're back! Rock!"
Oh, no. They handed Tommy a video camera which meant it was time for the gals in the audience to flash. Some of the gals. Some of us, there hasn't been enough money minted to get us to flash Tommy Lee. After a couple of flashes Jeff J. said to me, "Did you see her enhancement scar?" Yep, sure did. I guess if you're going to buy some you may as well show them to Mötley Crüe.
The whole flashing portion of the show was finally over and Nikki asked a question. "Do you mind if we make another record for you guys?" I guess that depends on what kind of record they make. If they try to make a mature album I'm afraid I will mind very much. If they make a fun and underproduced gem (see Too Fast For Love) that would be fine.
He then introduced two new songs and said that all the classics have to be new at some point, and I think he used Looks That Kill and Kickstart My Heart as examples. Jeff J. and I went, "Hey! We still get to hear Kickstart My Heart! Yay!"
If I Die Tomorrow
The guy in front of me was really digging the two new songs, but he also dug the cowbell so he's okay. I was wishing I had opera glasses so I could see what exactly was on Nikki's armband. There was something printed on there, I was just a little too far away. I started thinking about the circus style wood sign that stretches across the tent and reads The Loudest Show on Earth. Hmm. I think Roger Daltrey might beg to differ.
Sick Love Song
The second new song, and if memory serves it contained a lot of swearing. There was something about the lyrics that was just stupid and I have no idea what it was. It was past my bedtime and I was getting tired. Plus I was starting to get itchy because I had on a hockey jersey and it was sticking to my forearms and with my jacket in the way I couldn't do anything about it.
Next up, they had Mick take center stage and I thought, noooooo! I can't handle another crummy solo even though he's the cool one. But they fooled us!
Kickstart My Heart
Still no crash pads for the circus professionals, but most of the troupe was onstage so it seemed like the show was wrapping up. That became apparent when they went nuts with the pyro:
Sing along
Pyro
Flashpots
Fireworks
That's not safe!
I don't recall exactly what was not safe, I'm thinking some fireworks went off really close to the band. Although, if Nikki ends his solo in a shower of sparks he's probably not worried about that. By show's end, Mick had turned into Mr. Burns. It was like he was wearing that posture correcting suit that Mr. Burns bought for Bart. He was very hunched and looked worn out.
For the grand finale, you'll never guess what Sixx (that c-cksucker) did! He smashed a bass! Can you believe that a rock and roll musician (term used loosely) would smash an instrument? That was so original I never saw it coming. He threw the smashed bits into the air and pretended to shoot them with an imaginary rifle. Nothing says rock and roll like the miming of skeet shooting.
ENCORE
They left the stage and we started debating what songs would be in the encore. I told Jeff J. that I knew Anarchy In The U.K. was one of the songs, but we thought that they would play three for sure. We furrowed our brows when we realized they had played all of their smash hits.
Me: Watch. They're gonna come out and play three songs from Generation Swine.
Jeff J.: Thereby completely alienating the audience.
Me: Yes! They had the audience the whole time...and then poof! Generation Swine.
Jeff J.: The crowd is kind of lukewarm.
Me: That's because we know they're going to come back out. It's not like the old days when an audience had to work for an encore. The Who only would do an encore if they thought they had played an exceptional show.
Jeff J.: I didn't know the lore behind the encore.
Me: I read an article about it a few months ago. It was all about how encores are lame now that they are scripted and not spontaneous.
The band came back out and they were all wearing garage mechanic-type coveralls.
Jeff J.: Even Mick Mars got into costume!
Helter Skelter
Um, okay. I guess it is a three song encore because it couldn't just be Helter Skelter and Anarchy In The U.K., could it? In addition to coveralls Nikki was sporting his Shout At The Devil makeup, one long black stripe under his eye. What if, I suggested to Jeff J., what if they are wearing their Looks That Kill video costumes under the coveralls? They were roomy enough to cover those hilarious leather duds, and Nikki was already made up. That would be awesome!
They had a scary inflatable clown behind the drum kit and it was scary. I don't like clowns.
Anarchy In The U.K.
Oh, out came the entire troupe for this song. We had the ringmaster midget and one of the dancers was on stilts, wearing some sort of primitive looking outfit. She looked just like Amy did on Futurama that time she used stilts as part of disguise when she had to rescue Kif. Unlike Amy though, the Mötley Crüe dancer was singing along happily to Anarchy In The U.K.
Vince had fallen into the trap that so many of us have experienced at one point or another. He was trying to sing the song using a Johnny Rotten accent, and that really doesn't work for anyone other than Mr. Rotten. It doesn't work for me and it doesn't work for Vince.
When they took their bows I saw that Mick couldn't really bend very far, and then I thought, bows? What? That was it? The ringmaster announced they would be back in August and the house lights came up and that was it. Two covers for an encore? That's how they end the show? For shame.