If a fellow who strongly reminds you of a hyperactive toddler ever tries to tell you that I listen to Tattooed Millionaire every day, you can go ahead and ignore him. That is LCG continuing his ongoing project of telling anyone who will listen that I listen to Tattooed Millionaire every day. For the record I will tell you that he is exaggerating. I do not listen to Tattooed Millionaire every day but it is a real fact that I used to listen to it every day.
I am now down to once a week, possibly once every two weeks but LCG refuses to let go of my old Tattooed Millionaire habits. He is completely taken with the idea that I love such a terrible album. While it is true that I love Bruce Dickinson as much as a legal adult can love the singer of her favorite rock band, it is also true that this particular love is both blind and deaf. I know that Tattooed Millionaire has its flaws and I love it just the same.
Part of this loyalty to Tattooed Millionaire, I think, stems from the circumstances surrounding my original exposure to the record. It did not come when the album was new; it occurred many years later, shortly after the first Iron Maiden road trip. That concert reminded me of how much I love all things Bruce Dickinson and that is when I started collecting the solo albums.
My first find was Tattooed Millionaire and I got into the habit of listening to it every day at work. Remember, this is when I had the worst job in the entire world. The one that was so awful I could only think of four jobs worse than mine and three of those involved working for Vince McMahon. It was a horrible, horrible job and the only thing it had going for it other than the occasional call on the Bat Phone was the fact that I could listen to my headphones.
I had my Iron Maiden and my Morrissey and when I added Tattooed Millionaire to the mix the job got a whole lot better. Actually, it probably got better because I quit approximately one month after returning from Chicago but I will still give Bruce Bruce the credit for this one. Tattooed Millionaire was the only thing that made my job bearable. It was new to me and yes it has its problems, but any Bruce Bruce is better than no Bruce Bruce when you work at a job that is sucking all of the sunshine out of your life. When you work in an office so horrible Dilbert would look at it and say, "Man, that's a horrible office!"
So of course I loved Tattooed Millionaire right away. My first week into the newest version of Bruce love I sent an email to Aaaahj.
Sent: Thursday, August 21, 2003 2:16 PM
Subject: Bruce!
I think Tattooed Millionaire is my favorite album and I didn't even know until today.
Subject: Re: Bruce!
Date: Thu, Aug 21, 2003, 2:57 PM
Wow, that's generally referred to as the very, very bad Bruce solo album. Which would explain why it's your favorite.
Aaaahj
I have no credibility with Aaaahj because I love the song Turbo Lover and that's okay. He was just saying what many people are probably thinking anyway. But I firmly believe that Tattooed Millionaire has some redeeming features. There are definitely problems here and there, although I think that the strong portions are strong enough to make up for the more unfortunate tunes.
The album starts out reasonably well with Son Of A Gun, a song that has similar themes as Desperado by Alice Cooper. It's got that whole Wild West shoot-'em-up vibe that I quite like, even if Alice Cooper did it better. It's still a nice opening song. I like it.
Tattooed Millionaire
Oh, my my. Where to start with the title track. The music is okay but the lyrics leave something to be desired. That is, they did until it occurred to me that he might be picking on Mötley Crüe. See, Bruce Dickinson doesn't want to be a Tattooed Millionaire and he goes on to describe the thing that Tattooed Millionaire types do. Things like marrying an "ex-mud queen of Miami" and having in the back of his limousine a "CD player and his bottle of Jack." Keep in mind, this record came out in 1990 so Bruce using a CD player as an example of lavish living isn't so unreasonable.
And yes, it makes my heart go pitty-pat. The vocals aren't so strong but after I had listened to the record about a million times I noticed that the chorus is really interesting. Bruce doing his own background vocals is generally a good thing (see the tune Powerslave for possibly my favorite example) and they really work in the chorus of Tattooed Millionaire. They are mixed so well I didn't even realize what was going on until I paid attention carefully.
Born In '58
The highlight of side one and maybe the entire album. Hello autobiographical story about being born in a mining town. In '58. "When black and white TV was up to date." That Bruce Bruce, appreciating simpler technology in back to back songs. I love him. My own family had black and white TV until 1986. Why? Because that TV still worked! When my parents did buy a color TV I got the black and white and used it for several more years. (And you wonder why I don't go in for MP3s and whatnot. My old stuff isn't broken!)
Also, in the song he mentions that his grandfather taught him how to fight. Delicious! He had to get his fire in the belly somewhere. This is the song for great lyrics, great vocals, and great music. Total high point of the album. Love it. Love it two times even.
Hell On Wheels
Um. Hmmm. It's about cars except I think Bruce is using vehicular euphemisms to convey something more naughty. The song isn't terrible, but come on Bruce. That is the sort of songwriting I expected from the Sleeze Beez, not from the man who wrote Powerslave. The song isn't awful, it's just below Bruce's abilities.
Gypsy Road
Unremarkable but not terrible. I can't help but notice that Gypsy Road is the title of a big Cinderella hit and Hell On Wheels is the title of big Cinderella filler. I am going to assume that the fact that two of Bruce's songs in a row have the same titles as Cinderella songs is a coincidence. Bruce Dickinson is more likely to rip off Wishbone Ash than Cinderella. I can only assume that he and Janick Gers were just so busy writing regular rock tunes that they came up with regular rock clichés on their own.
Dive! Dive! Dive!
The less said about this song, the better. The man was thirty-one years old and wrote a song that featured a character named Seamen Staines? That makes me very sad. If Beavis had written it I would have no problem. Bruce Bruce co-wrote Two Minutes To Midnight! He is more talented than this song would indicate.
All The Young Dudes
Even though I could never pick a favorite song, All The Young Dudes has got to be high on the list. It's a marvelous song and Bruce Dickinson did an excellent job with it. He obviously has respect for the material and treats it well. His vocals sound different to me, almost as if he is trying to mimic David Bowie (and not Ian Hunter) ever so slightly. And best of all: the opening riff is repeated twice.
The opening riff of that song is one of my all-time favorite openers and I personally could listen to it for a good five minutes before any vocals started up. In the original it is only played once but Bruce and Janick had the good sense to play it twice and the result is tremendous. The guitar tone is sharp and warm and the riff cuts the air so gracefully. Just beautiful. All The Young Dudes does a great job of removing all residual unpleasantness that might have been left by Dive! Dive! Dive!
Lickin' The Gun
Oh, dear. It's a good thing my good will from All The Young Dudes carries over into this song too. It's just not very good. The riff is neat and the vocal line sort of runs parallel to it, which is also neat but the lyrics stink. (Memo to Bruce Dickinson: I am very sorry I had to say that but you know I don't just lie. By the way, I still want that Somewhere On Tour costume even though I haven't mentioned it lately.)
Zulu Lulu
Is side two just some horrible dumping ground? Was he counting on the fact that All The Young Dudes would blow the minds of listeners to the point where they would just turn off the record? Because the record goes on a steep decline after All The Young Dudes. "Broke my back and my heart at the same time-it was nice." Is he kidding me? "We came together over coffee with milk." I am drinking coffee with milk right now and frankly, I'm surprised that Zulu Lulu didn't ruin that beverage for me.
Still, I kind of like this song. It's so awful that it crosses the line into genius. Nikki Sixx wishes he could write something this mindlessly horny.
No Lies
Things start looking up when No Lies begins. I don't know how good this song really is but I am comparing it to the two preceding songs. Three minutes of burping would sound good compared to Lickin' The Gun and Zulu Lulu. This song is also in the unremarkable but not terrible category. I wish the album ended with a stronger song because do you know what I do once No Lies is over?
That's right. I flip over the tape and listen to the album again. Just not every day.